jwgrooves's definitions

gastrognome

A connoisseur of fine food and wine, who is small and ugly.

Michael Winner.

Michael Winner: Waiter! This steak is diabolical. It is clearly medium rare when I specified medium! The pasta course was unimaginative and barely tepid, and as for the soup, it was redolent of a Montmartre fille du joie's vaginal secretions after a hard night's work.

Waiter: What do you expect in a Travelodge? Bloody gastrognome. *spits on desert*

by jwgrooves March 20, 2011

deleterious

adjective

1 - having a harmful effect, eg to health

2 - the panicky paranoid state of mind which inspires one to go through old emails, texts, etc, deleting anything which may be vaguely incriminating

I found my girlfriend going through my phone, but it's ok cos I got a bit deleterious last week and wiped those drunk text messages to my ex from my outbox

by jwgrooves September 5, 2010

dicknob

Someone who is so annoying that to call them only one penis-based-insult just isn't enough.

A compound insult that should be reserved for truly special individuals.

A bit like twatcunt.

Peter: I say! That man's pissing in our front garden.

Susan: What a dicknob! Fetch the musket.

by jwgrooves October 11, 2010

analogue poo

When you go for a poo but forget to take your phone with you. Devoid of the stimuli of checking emails and social media you're obliged to spend a few minutes on analogue pursuits, such as thinking, meditating, singing, or perhaps reading a book or newspaper.

I'd already started to let one out when I realised my phone was on my desk, so I had to do an analogue poo. But that's ok, I came up with a great plan for the next book I'm never going to write.

by jwgrooves June 13, 2017

Obsessive Computing Disorder

Psychological / neurological condition.

The inability to pass a single moment without interacting with a computer screen of some sort.

The inability to pause and relax and actually think about nothing, without feeling the overwhelming need to fill your consciousness with the inane drivel that your extended circle of "friends" post on their social media.

The inability to interact with real people in a social situation without fucking tweeting that you're doing so and instagramming a photo of it onto fucking pinterest.

Work was utterly hectic so I took five minutes away from the desk to do a crap, but I have Obsessive Computing Disorder so before I knew it I was getting my phone out for a quick game of turds with friends

by jwgrooves October 24, 2013

idiot tax rebate

An unexpected windfall that makes you feel really excited and happy - as long as you don't think about how much idiot tax you paid in the first place.

Me: Hooray! Hoorah! I've won ten quid on the lottery!

Wife: Yeah, but you buy two tickets a week, so over the last year you've wasted over a hundred quid. This is just an idiot tax rebate.

by jwgrooves January 27, 2011

preemptive gay strike

The practise, usually employed by sexually insecure males around men they suspect may be homosexual, of firmly establishing their heterosexuality even before it was called into question.

Dale: Nice hat, John.

John: Yeah, thanks, my wife bought it for me. She's a girl. With tits and everything. Mmmm, tits.

Dale: No need for the preemptive gay strike, dude. You're so not my type.

John: Hmph.

by jwgrooves August 17, 2010