harris bergstein's definitions

teek

The practice of purchasing an item and then returning a different (usually inferior or obsolete) item in the original packaging for a refund or credit. The term is usually applied to electronic components (video cards and the like), where such substitutions are likely to pass unnoticed. The practice is also generally limited to big-box stores like Best Buy or Wal*Mart, where sales volume, employee apathy, and managerial incompetence combine to create an extremely subterfuge-friendly environment.

The word may originate from a bastardized tense of "take."

For an example of primitive reverse teeking, please consult www.tomsphotos.com/router

"Wow, an 80 Gig iPod! How much did that set you back?"
"Nothing, I teeked out my 30."

"Did you sell your old box?"
"Not yet. I think I'm gonna teek the parts at CompUSA."

by Harris Bergstein December 27, 2006

office espresso

That last cup of coffee left in the office pot at 4:30 in the afternoon, you know, the one that's been cooking down all day until it's thick as molasses, burned, and dirty like 10,000-mile-old engine oil. Mmmm-mmmh.

Bob: That smells delightful. What is it, a vente americano from Starbucks?
Nancy: Nope, I just added some hot tap water to three fingers of office espresso.

by Harris Bergstein January 24, 2007

sweet Jesus in a smoking birchbark canoe

The superlative form of Jesus. (Comparative: "Jesus H. Christ" or "Sweeter Jesus.")

Sam: "Sweet Jesus in a smoking birchbark canoe!"

by Harris Bergstein December 27, 2006

shithap

1. Like a sitrep, but in a civilian / corporate context and, more specifically, describing a situation that has absolutely no silver lining.

WALT: Hey boss, looks like we have a big problem here.

JAMES: Gimme the shithap.

WALT: Well, it looks like the production line is down because of civil unrest in Thailand and when I tried to get in touch with the COO, he was freaking out about a dead prostitute in his hotel room.

JAMES: Not good.

WALT: Male prostitute.

JAMES: Really not good.

WALT: Potentially a Jonas brother.

JAMES: Top grade shithap, Walt. Get my chopper fueled for Phuket and keep up the good work.

by Harris Bergstein May 12, 2010

go Lohando

The artful display of the bared nipples or cooter, typically while entering or exiting a limousine, possibly while accompanied by other tween queens or noted amateur pornographers, in the hopes that such displays of surgery-mangled teats or Cletus-ravage pissflaps will attract the fickle lens of an itinerant paparazzo, with the ultimate goal of garnering column inches in Entertainment Weekly. Historically, actresses and singers of dubious talent have had the dignity and self-respect to limit such displays to the centerfolds of men's magazines--where the graces of airbrushing and a little vaseline on the lens masks all manner of caesarean scars, razorburns, and waxrashes. If this trend continues, it is only a matter of a short span of time and a large pile of blow before the phrase "to go Lohando," in addition to the traditonal nip and quim slips, will also come to include deliberate public displays of one's horribly distended anal pucker and the televised insertion of specula into every unplumbed orifice. But hey, it still beats watching <I>Freaky Friday.</I>

Carlo: I think I might go Lohando, but I'm worried that these Daisy Dukes might interfere with my dangle.

Gustav: Is that really appropriate for a job interview?

by Harris Bergstein December 24, 2006

juggalo

A man, usually of Mediterranean or Latin origin, who receives gifts from a woman in exchange for providing her with companionship and sex. Typically, this relationship involves a younger man and an older woman. The younger man will usually have a name like Carlo or Konstantine and he will regularly wax his scrotum and will under no circumstances ever button his shirt higher than his sternum.

"Man, there were a lot of juggalos at that ICP concert last night."

by Harris Bergstein December 27, 2006

Lawyer Ball

The art of playing the rules instead of playing a game. For example, trying to work out a walk in slow-pitch softball. Swing the bat, you puss!

Also applicable to weenies who demand free throws after the slightest contact in a pick-up basketball game and d-bags who take yardage penalties in backyard football games.

Pops: Hit it out of the park, boy!
Son: Don't pressure me, I'm trying to work the count.
Pops: Don't play lawyer ball, son.

by Harris Bergstein December 24, 2006