Definitions by frank klaune

jackin' the beanstalk 

One of many euphemisms for "masturbation" (e.g. slappin' the salami, jack off, beat off, buffing the bishop, glean the obscene bean, choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, waxing the wonker, greasing the guppy, shooting putty at the moon, and Rosie Palmer and her Five Sisters doing the Four Knuckle Shuffle.

Frank will be a little bit late. He's still back at his house jackin' the beanstalk.

jackin' the beanstalk by Frank Klaune January 24, 2005

K-Mart Liturgy 

You get up on a Sunday morning, take a shower, dress, then head out of the house. Your family is very sure that you are a good boy, heading out to go to church. Instead of attending church services, however, you go to K-Mart and spend just the appropriate amount of time there browsing merchandise so upon your return, your ruse is very convincing.

Frank's parents think he is such a good boy but we know the truth. He did a K-Mart Liturgy and bought condoms.

K-Mart Liturgy by Frank Klaune January 24, 2005

silly putty

A euphemism for merconium. Immediately after a baby is born, the first few shits he makes is full of merconium which is nearly like messy, nasty, sticky, gooey tar. Thus, "silly putty".

When Frank opened the diaper, silly putty leaked out on his shirt. Yuck!

silly putty by Frank Klaune January 24, 2005

butt breath 

Common insult with obvious implications. The insult is meant not only to indicate someone who who is stupid and / or offensive, but also one who would do an act which would render their breath like someone else's butt.

Hey, butt breath! Move your car.

butt breath by Frank Klaune January 23, 2005

beer factor

A simple attempt to measure and quantify the amount of alcohol needed in order for you (or your friend) to willingly copulate with any given female. A fun game to play in a pub, the standard of measurement is one draw (draft) of an average strength American beer. While a reasonably attractive female may rate a 5-6 beer factor, a more homely specimen may require a 12 or 15 beer factor. On the other hand, a very attractive female may not warrant the need for any beer at all, resulting in the prized "ZBF" or "Zero Beer Factor".

Frank was scoping over some fat broad playing pool in the back room. She looked like a dyke to me. She was so fugly that she was probably a 24 beer factor.

beer factor by Frank Klaune January 23, 2005

Shithouse Poet 

Widely-acclaimed anonymous author of infamous wit and wisdom written on the stalls and walls of many bathrooms. The "Shithouse Poet" is believed to actually be a number of different individuals acting in nearly every state of the United States. Much to the chagrin of janitors, the Shithouse Poet leaves his nuggets (pardon the pun) of wit and wisdom in the form of well-crafted prose and poetry through various means in batrhooms throughout the U.S.A.

Some examples:

"They scrub these walls to stop my pen,
but the Shithouse Poet strikes again.
The erased words are all my life.
I'll next engrave them with my knife."

And...

"Here I sat all broken hearted.
Tried to shat, but only farted.
So today I took a chance.
Now I say I shit my pants.
Tomorrow I decide my fate.
I'll borrow a quart of Kaopectate."

Shithouse Poet by Frank Klaune January 22, 2005

Bees 

A joint (or spliff) or two of marijuana.

Chris has bees, and bees make you buzz. He's down at the quarry doing bees.

Bees by Frank Klaune January 21, 2005