benny twadge's definitions

Pork Scotch Tea Towel

A filthy article that has never been washed but which Pork Scotch uses to dry dishes. Normal people don't go near it apart from when they use it to kill spiders or to wipe up gunk from the kitchen floor.

Flondibulus: Bog roll's finished, is there any more?

Mickus: No, use a Pork Scotch tea towel. It couldn't get any filthier so the fat twat will never know.

by Benny Twadge May 19, 2009

Bullivant

A 7-foot tall cretin with giant, flapping tabs. A mentally retarded twat that can eat 3 fried pigs for breakfast and is therefore detested by its grandfather's wife, who takes the piss out of its ridiculous crash-helmet hairstyle.

Why is there nothing in the fridge, Trace?

We've had a visit from Bullivant. It was hungry after its 3-pig breakfast.

by Benny Twadge May 3, 2009

Maltby Heroes

The legendary drivers of Maltby lorries who display Pork Scotch's cone in the back in order to taunt important security guards and provide amusement to everyone else. Otherwise known as comic geniuses.

Flobule: Look Dad, the cone's still there! Why don't they take it out?

Dad: Because they're heroes, son. Maltby heroes.

by Benny Twadge May 18, 2009

koala head

Name given to someone with a head which is exactly the same shape as a koala's head. Usually only fat bald security guards can achieve this interspecific resemblance. The effect can be heightened if the koala-headed person has his hair cut in the Pork Scotch style.

Why has someone brought a koala to the braaivleis?

They haven't. What you're looking at is the Porky Scotcher. The ugly bastard has a koala head.

by Benny Twadge August 2, 2009

Pork Scotch

A short, stocky man with a shaved head. Close to pensionable age but believes himself to be young and with-it. Drives a small white van. He thinks its cool to cook food outside with his drag-act "girlfriend", believing that sharing a garlic bread at a green plastic table is all that is required for a barbecue. Also known as Mr Boring, Mr Ugly and The Arsehole.

Pork Scotch is a total twat
Its gay to wear a buffalo hat
Your girlfriend's really a man in drag
Your boring face makes people gag

by Benny Twadge April 18, 2009

Chimp Food

Fried chicken and rice and pea. These food items are never paid for, always stolen, because as everyone knows "chimp no need pay mon".

Chimp in takeaway: me wan' fried chicken and rice and pea mon.

Assistant: One portion of Chimp Food? That will be £4.50 please.

Chimp (before running away): chimp no need pay mon.

by Benny Twadge May 18, 2009

David the Grunting Spacker

A retarded, thick-lipped checkout assistant who stares at the ceiling while serving you and grunts instead of speaking.

Dad: Shall we go to Asda then?

Monkus: Only if we can go to David's till.

Dad: David the Grunting Spacker?

Monkus: Yeah. The fat spaz makes me piss.

by Benny Twadge June 19, 2009