QuacksO's definitions

“The truth shall set you free”

Actually, this saying is ITSELF one of the LEAST “true” statements of all time… as we are all too painfully aware, “coming clean” to the powers-that-be (i.e., parents, teachers, policemen, etc.) seldom if ever actually gains or maintains your “freedom”; in fact, usually the **exact opposite** occurs whenever you bravely/penitently reveal your shameful secrets like this --- rather than their extending any significant “charity” (i.e., mercy or forgiveness) to you in response to your trustingly/naively-admitted revelations of past transgressions, these hypocritical and out-of-touch-with-reality sadists generally do everything they can to CURTAIL your freedom and otherwise make you as miserable as possible, such as giving you an extended time-out, grounding you for an outrageously-long period, making you stay in from recess, throwing you in the slammer for a few days, and so on. So unless there is some serious injustice that your silence is maintaining (such as that an innocent person is being blamed/punished for something that you did), it’s usually wise to follow Will Roger’s advice to “never pass up a good chance to shut up”… contrary to what these authority-figures may try to assure you, they generally do **not** “have your best interests at heart”… about all they actually wanna do is try to soothe their **own** perpetually-gnawing consciences by being overly hard on anyone under their care!

My conscience was pricking me after hearing the local minister preaching about “the truth shall set you free”, and so like the total dumba** that I am, I went to the police station and admitted to the desk-sergeant about my having swiped a few candy-bars and a couple bottles of soda from the local Circle-K over the past six months; rather than just smiling and praising me for “being a good boy” to be so honest, though, the officer merely slapped da cuffs on me and made me cool my heels in jail for 48 hours! Talk about a letdown --- he didn’t even seem to care about my protests that he was blatantly going against what the preacher had just said was supposed to happen when we admit our sins! I think I’ll sue that minister for misrepresentation and deceitful speech --- I shoulda merely kept my big mouth shut, just as I always have in the past regarding stuff like this! And then he wonders why he has such a hard time gaining or keeping church-members!

by QuacksO November 25, 2018

Rubbermaid™ brand lie-detector

That huge gray plastic barrel at the curbside in which you mindlessly threw out the nice gift that the child down the street worked so hard to create for you. Said innocently-trusting youngster then happens upon said container before the trash-man has carted it away, of course his tenderly-impressionable eyeballs observe said callously-discarded gift, which of course painfully marks him for life and shows him what a shameless lying a**h**e you actually are to have praisingly told him how much you appreciated his gift and all the work he'd gone through to create it for you.

Here's how to avoid having your Rubbermaid™ brand lie-detector make mincemeat of your stellar reputation with the neighborhood children. First, be sure to prominently-display anything they give you --- such as paper-artwork or a clay sculpture --- inside the front room of your house for at least two or three weeks, so that if the young creators of said "masterpieces" happen over to visit, they will always have their happy pride of your appreciation re-affirmed by seeing their "treasured gifts" still visible for all to see. Then after maybe a month or so, try moving the exhibits further along down the wall or into another room, so that if a child happens to notice the absence of his creation in its "customary" spot, you can just hastily show him that you have merely moved it, but that you do indeed still have it on display. Then, if the youngster doesn't comment any more on the object's absence during subsequent visits or go to the other spot to look at it, you can safely assume that he has lost interest in said object, and so you can then put it away in a desk drawer or someplace else hidden, but where you can still hastily retrieve it again if necessary. Then if there is still no reference to said object within a couple more weeks, THEN AND ONLY THEN can you probably safely discard the item, BUT ONLY IN A MANNER THAT DOES NOT RISK THE CHILD'S SEEING IT... don't just toss it "openly" into a trash can where it can easily be seen by anyone just moseying by!

by QuacksO November 25, 2018

kremlin

A small and annoying elf-like entity that uses Communist-themed tactics to cause malfunctions in equipment, delays, dissension in the ranks, cost-overruns, or other troublesome debacles.

I should have known better than to purchase a second-hand Russian car --- it's got lots of kremlins under da hood that I'm constantly having to ferret out and repair!

by QuacksO November 25, 2018

epikleptic fit

Sarcastic term for when someone with "sticky fingers" embarks on a wildly-rampaging "seizure" of other people's stuff.

When authorities searched a dwelling that was jam-packed with stolen merchandise, the lead investigator eyeball-rollingly remarked to his companions that the place looked like the proceeds of an epikleptic fit.

by QuacksO November 25, 2018

epiclectic mix

An assortment so diverse and radically-eccentric that one actually risks a seizure from trying to take it all in.

From what I've heard, Woodstock was an epiclectic mix of counterculture and entertainment such as had never been seen before nor has ever been seen since... zheeesh, I wish I could have been there to experience it for myself!

by QuacksO November 25, 2018

single-letter difference between God and the IRS

Said letter is "R" --- God tells us to "PRAY with faith and without ceasing", whereas the IRS tells us to "PAY with faith and without ceasing". Otherwise, both "mighty entities" are essentially the same... they act like they've got your best interests at heart, but in reality they just mercilessly "milk you for all you're worth" and then turn their backs on you when you've been drained dry... no further explanation necessary.

Come to think of it, the single-letter difference between God and the IRS isn't the only direct correlation between the two "superpowers" --- because the IRS tells us to PAY so much, it causes poorer folks to PRAY to God a lot more due to their worries over becoming even more destitute from shelling out for their income taxes!

by QuacksO November 25, 2018

peediatrician

A medical doctor who treats children with urinary issues, such as bed-wetting, being slow to progress in potty-training, etc.

Ethan Couch may indeed not have needed a peediatrician as a toddler, but his real problems began a bit later in his childhood development, when his **solid-matter waste** began colliding with the electric breeze-creator at regular intervals (in other words, what he preferred or liked did not comfortably "mesh" with what his fellow humans on the planet would have found tolerable or reasonable)!

by QuacksO November 26, 2018