Definitions by Monkey's Dad

NewJersification 

To take an immaculately beautiful woman and, through blind applications of high-contrast streaks, razor-straight bangs, sharp 45-degree layered angles - acrylic 'fingernails' which soon cover only half the actual nail and look like what exactly? - pounds of makeup, all of which have zero to do with the real woman, her proportions, natural coloration or her perfect, essential beauty, and have everything to do with a state-wide communal aesthetic, n' toin huh intuh a nudduh cookie cuttuh Joisy Goil.

Underneath it all was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen or would ever see. Beautiful beyond words. All that had to be done was to simply reverse the NewJersification to which she had , stunningly, submitted .

NewJersification by Monkey's Dad April 1, 2023

NewJersification 

To take an immaculately beautiful woman and, through blind applications of high-contrast streaks, razor-straight bangs, sharp 45-degree layered angles - phony fingernails which soon cover only half the natural nail and look like what exactly? - pounds of makeup, all of which which have zero to do with the real woman, her proportions, natural coloration or perfect essential beauty, and have everything to do with a state-wide communal aesthetic, n' toin huh intuh anuthuh cookie cuttuh Joisy Goil.

Underneath it all was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen or would ever see. Beautiful beyond words. All that had to be done was to simply reverse the NewJersification to which she had , stunningly, submitted .

NewJersification by Monkey's Dad April 1, 2023

criminally negligent humor 

Slipped into conversation like a stiletto between the ribs, an unintended yet nearly lethal joke.

She looked innocent, her blue eyes wide, and he never saw it coming, another taste of her criminally negligent humor. Sliding from the bed and falling to the floor, he begged, "Don't make me laugh! Please!" It was too late.

criminally negligent humor by Monkey's Dad March 26, 2023

Who Cooks for You?

Song of the Barred Owl, by consensus of the ornithological community. Who Cooks for You? Who Cooks for Yooooou-All?, in two groups of four.

The owls were singing to each other, high in the spruce trees, and it always made them smile. Who Cooks for You? Who-Cooks-for-Yooooo-All? One night, they went outside with his guitar and he played it back to them.

Who Cooks for You? by Monkey's Dad March 22, 2023

dark cloud from hell 

That special waitress who approaches your table - clearly wishing you would die during her shift - and asks "How is everything?"

Here comes the dark cloud from hell. Grab your dinner before she confiscates it.

dark cloud from hell by Monkey's Dad February 28, 2023

Bedside Volcano 

A growing yet indecipherable mound, composed of unmatched socks, sweaters, underwear, pillows, books, catalogs, unopened mail, empty bottles, reading glasses, chargers, clean and dirty towels, exercise paraphernalia, countless and nameless other things, many forgotten yet long-sought, the entirety overtaking the room, cascading, poised to erupt.

"Have you seen my phone?"
"Have you checked the bedside volcano?"
"Which one??"
"Good question."

Bedside Volcano by Monkey's Dad February 25, 2023

I'm Your Tuna Fish Sandwich 

From the blues classic - slang for sexual availability.

"Free tonight?"
"I'm your tuna fish sandwich."

"I'm your tuna fish sandwich, spoon me on your bread.
I'm your tuna sandwich baby, best to eat in bed."

I'm Your Tuna Fish Sandwich by Monkey's Dad February 20, 2023