Definitions by Mike and Mike the Accountants

easter egg cunt 

When a man attends Easter Sunday mass, (most often against his will by force of family, significant other etc.) he will quickly become incredibly disinterested and will look elsewhere to pass the time. It is at this moment that he realizes all the female parishioners dressing in their " Easter Sunday best" (i.e. dressing as promiscuously as possible despite the irony of attending church). It is important to note that this is one of the first times all year where the temperature permits the wearing of scantily clad clothing. After this phenomenon has been noted by the male, he will then begin to seek out the best looking women among the parish whom are dressed slutty as fuck, and begin to daydream about fucking the shit out of them. It is by this, and only this process, that the man is able to maintain his sanity during the mass. In some cases, the male might even take mental images for his spank bank.

Mike 1: Easter's coming up man, my lady's gonna make me go to church. Shit.

Mike 2: At least you have the easter egg cunt to look forward to!

easter egg cunt by Mike and Mike the Accountants April 14, 2017

cuntorsion 

This act normally occurs during heterosexual intercourse performed in the "reverse cowgirl" position, but can occur in the midst of other positions. While the man's penis is inside the woman and she moves too far one way (typically towards the man's feet), causing an outstretched, uncomfortable sensation for the man.

Mike 2: Me Julie was riding me reverse cowgirl last night and gave my dick a serious case of cuntorsion the way she was movin.

Mike 1: Weird, that never seems to happen to me...

cuntorsion by Mike and Mike the Accountants April 14, 2017

busted stick shift 

Common among older men, this refers to a condition in which one's urination stream is halted briefly every few seconds, then quickly returns to normal pressure. This cycle can occur several times during urination, depending on the volume of liquid being released. Contracting a busted stick shift can be caused by several medical conditions, but is most prevalent as a result of enlarged prostate gland complications. The term is derived from the ebb in motion caused when shifting gears using a manual transmission car. The change in acceleration revolving around this phenomenon is often embellished by poor driving and or broken (i.e. busted) stick shift. For the sake of this definition, the "stick" refers to the man's penis.

Mike 1: Dude that director that was pissing next to me had a totally busted stick shift.

Mike 2: O yea? He should consider masturbating more, I hear it clears prostate complications

busted stick shift by Mike and Mike the Accountants April 7, 2017

stretchsticle 

This usually, but not exclusively, is performed on a hot, muggy day. When a male's scrotum coheres to his inner thigh thus causing his testicular area to become clammy, moist, and generally uncomfortable. To relieve this sensation, the man will stretch his legs (whilst standing) outwardly toward either side of his body and switch between leaning to each side of his body while simultaneously bending the respective knee he is leaning toward. If performed properly, a stretchsticle will give the appearance that the man is simply limbering up, or loosening his lower body after vigorous activity and will actually make him seem more athletic, relaxed and generally active. On the contrary, there will invariably be a large portion of the male population that will see through this deceit and realize that their fellow brethren is simply airing out his steamy dank-ass grundle.

Mike 1: Do you think that hot audit chick noticed I was doing a stretchsticle while I was talking to her?

Mike 2: No dude, she prob just though you were stretching your groin cus of hours of sex.

stretchsticle by Mike and Mike the Accountants April 7, 2017

cuntusion 

Often following intercourse with a large African American mule pecker or a large member in general, this is a term denoting vaginal soreness or discomfort post-coitus. Cuntusion can also be spawned from very rough sex or lack of adequate lubrication. Following a cuntision, it is recommended that the vaginal area receive 3-4 days of rest, although this does not preclude external vulva play. To expedite the healing process, it is recommended that the female stay at least 50 feet from large African American males. Symptoms include swelling, soreness, chafing and discomfort while urinating.

Mike 1: Yo did you see the latest Sixers draft pick?

Mike 2: Yea man, he looks like a guy that would give my lady a serious cuntusion.

cuntusion by Mike and Mike the Accountants March 31, 2017

cumdgement call 

The "judgement call" a man must make in the moments preceding impending orgasm whilst having unprotected sex, regarding the placement of his ejaculatory load. Despite the agreement, discussion, etc. that he and his partner may have had before and during sex, the man has the ultimate power whether to pull out or not, and where to ejaculate should he indeed pull out. Scrupulous and complex calculations are performed by the man during these nanoseconds. These calculations weigh factors such as chance of child conception, partner reaction and, ultimately, satisfaction.

Mike 1: Dude I had to make a hard cumdgement call whether to pull out or not. By my calculations, the best move was to splooge on her face.
Mike 2: Was she on birth control?
Mike 1: Yea but who cares?

cumdgement call by Mike and Mike the Accountants March 17, 2017

depar 

"Raped" spelled backward. This term refers to the very small percentage of the time where a person (likely female) implores you to stop touching, groping, or performing any other sexual advances when, in fact, the individual actually wants said advances but expresses the opposite sentiment for various, unknown reasons. You, being the upstanding and law-abiding individual that you are, immediately cease all sexual advances in efforts to avoid rape and/or sexual harassment charges. Usually the person being "sexually harassed" sends a disappointed text message the next day asking why you stopped your sexual advances and adds something like "I wanted to fuck you so badly".

Kelly: Mike, what happened last night, I wanted you to fuck my brains out?

Me: You yelled "stop you're raping me"!

Kelly: I was just saying that so you'd try harder!

Me: Omg I just got depar

depar by Mike and Mike the Accountants February 16, 2017