Lârry Dângüs, esq.'s definitions
This term refers to a gratuitous back-handed pop in the testicles, as delivered by Ashley Schaeffer to Kenny Powers in the HBO series Eastbound and Down.
It is ordinarily considered bad form to give an ashley schaeffer under most circumstances, however, this rule tends to loosen when excessive amounts of alcohol are added to the equation. It is often hypothesized that male drinking buddies who regularly execute the ashley schaeffer may suffer from unrequited homosexual desires. Either that, or they just have a really sadistic sense of humor. Either way, the ashley schaeffer is rarely funny to the recipient.
It is ordinarily considered bad form to give an ashley schaeffer under most circumstances, however, this rule tends to loosen when excessive amounts of alcohol are added to the equation. It is often hypothesized that male drinking buddies who regularly execute the ashley schaeffer may suffer from unrequited homosexual desires. Either that, or they just have a really sadistic sense of humor. Either way, the ashley schaeffer is rarely funny to the recipient.
The church pastor failed to see the humor in my quick and ruthless delivery of an ashley schaeffer to his holy ballsack. Maybe I should have waited until the sermon was over.
by Lârry Dângüs, esq. July 23, 2009
Get the ashley schaeffer mug.The free rental is a scam which makes use of the loose return policies of corporate retail entities.
While many people complain about the presence of monolithic turd factories such as Wal-Mart in their otherwise decent neighborhoods, they often fail to realize that these establishments can also be quite useful in certain situations.
To get a free rental, simply save your receipt after making any non-perishable item purchase from a retail giant. Make note of the time frame within which you are allowed to enjoy your purchase (this information is usually printed on your receipt) and then take it back for a cash refund prior to the expiration for that time period.
For example, the time limit for returns at Wal-Mart is 90 days, so one must return the item within that time to successfully complete the free rental.
It is also noteworthy that while Wal-Mart WILL accept returns without a receipt, the purchaser must allow their state-issued identification to be photocopied when this transaction takes place. Wal-Mart's corporate policy currently dictates that a maximum of 3 of these receipt-less transactions be allowed per person each year. Of course, this policy can easily be bypassed by any person who has access to fraudulent forms of identification, and/or a borrowed ID.
While many people complain about the presence of monolithic turd factories such as Wal-Mart in their otherwise decent neighborhoods, they often fail to realize that these establishments can also be quite useful in certain situations.
To get a free rental, simply save your receipt after making any non-perishable item purchase from a retail giant. Make note of the time frame within which you are allowed to enjoy your purchase (this information is usually printed on your receipt) and then take it back for a cash refund prior to the expiration for that time period.
For example, the time limit for returns at Wal-Mart is 90 days, so one must return the item within that time to successfully complete the free rental.
It is also noteworthy that while Wal-Mart WILL accept returns without a receipt, the purchaser must allow their state-issued identification to be photocopied when this transaction takes place. Wal-Mart's corporate policy currently dictates that a maximum of 3 of these receipt-less transactions be allowed per person each year. Of course, this policy can easily be bypassed by any person who has access to fraudulent forms of identification, and/or a borrowed ID.
My mom couldn't afford to buy an air conditioner for her blazing hot, shitty apartment, so she rolled down to Fail-Mart to pick up a free rental window unit for the summer months. When the weather cools off, she'll probably return the AC unit and buy herself a nice warm coat from the same store. Oh wait, did I say 'BUY'? Silly me, I meant to say she'll get a FREE RENTAL!
by Lârry Dângüs, esq. June 17, 2009
Get the free rental mug.v. - The act of urination, specifically that of a buck-naked female. Also, an exclamation that one makes when walking in on a woman who is voiding her bladder while in a state of undress. This term is a direct result of Hustler Magazine having grossly over-milked their market interest in photographs which depict this act.
1. Dude, I went to use your bathroom a minute ago and your mom was sitting on the john totally nude! I yelled 'HUSTLER' and got the fuck outta there!
2. my alcoholic neighbor stripped off her swimsuit and drizzled a hustler all over my lawn last night. It's cool though, my garden could probably use the nitrogen. Plus we got some photos!
2. my alcoholic neighbor stripped off her swimsuit and drizzled a hustler all over my lawn last night. It's cool though, my garden could probably use the nitrogen. Plus we got some photos!
by Lârry Dângüs, esq. July 2, 2009
Get the hustler mug.An alternate term for resin; specifically, the resin left behind on smoking paraphernalia as a by-product of cannabinoid consumption.
In desperate times, Dangus often found himself smoking poor man's hash off of old pipe screens as ghetto wind chimes rang out in the distance, a sure sign that cracktivities were transpiring on the stinking streets of Memphis.
by Lârry Dângüs, esq. April 14, 2010
Get the poor man's hash mug.This term describes the 'all-the-way-forward' handlebar position most commonly seen on BMX bikes in urban areas of the United States.
Rather than having the handlebars in a vertical position (as the more practical BMX riders tend to do), the individual who chooses the 'chicago' position instead prefers to lay his or her handlebars all the way forward in an attempt to do any or all of the following things:
1. Allow more knee room on a bike which is far too short for them, possibly because they are a 7-foot tall, 52 year old alcoholic who is riding their grandchild's Wal-Mart bike to the beer store at dawn on a Monday
2. Look 'cool' on an overly small bicycle, which is near-impossible, especially when the rider is visibly frustrated by this situation, and having apparent difficulty controlling said bike.
3. Create the illusion of having a 'low rider' bike, but without making any actual low rider modifications.
All chicago bars ever did was make BMX bikes harder to ride, and cause an untold number of unnecessary faceplants in the ghetto, and under certain circumstances, they may even alert the police to possible cracktivities in the area, due to the obvious fucktardation on the part of these clueless bike riders.
Rather than having the handlebars in a vertical position (as the more practical BMX riders tend to do), the individual who chooses the 'chicago' position instead prefers to lay his or her handlebars all the way forward in an attempt to do any or all of the following things:
1. Allow more knee room on a bike which is far too short for them, possibly because they are a 7-foot tall, 52 year old alcoholic who is riding their grandchild's Wal-Mart bike to the beer store at dawn on a Monday
2. Look 'cool' on an overly small bicycle, which is near-impossible, especially when the rider is visibly frustrated by this situation, and having apparent difficulty controlling said bike.
3. Create the illusion of having a 'low rider' bike, but without making any actual low rider modifications.
All chicago bars ever did was make BMX bikes harder to ride, and cause an untold number of unnecessary faceplants in the ghetto, and under certain circumstances, they may even alert the police to possible cracktivities in the area, due to the obvious fucktardation on the part of these clueless bike riders.
Hahaha! Did you see that guy with his bars almost rubbing the front tire? WTF?
Yes I did; that's because we're in the hood. Now stop sweating that chump's chicago bars and tell that baby on the corner to stop selling weed.
Yes I did; that's because we're in the hood. Now stop sweating that chump's chicago bars and tell that baby on the corner to stop selling weed.
by Lârry Dângüs, esq. March 22, 2010
Get the chicago bars mug.Dude, stop calling my celly asking me for Xanax! Don't you know the fucking pigs are tapping my phone? Next time, just say you need to hang out with anna nicole smith, ya doofus. Save that overly obvious telephone terminology for when you're calling a sketch pad.
by Lârry Dângüs, esq. May 22, 2009
Get the anna nicole smith mug.My mom can't make it to church today because they're showing a marathon of B.J. and the Bear reruns on tv. She's gonna be inside jackin' the box to Greg Evigan and his stupid monkey until she runs outta twat juice.
That crazy bitch needs to take herself some Xanaps. Have you ever heard of such fucktardation in your life? Oh excuse me...I just performed a manual release. Better hold yer breath, just in case this one is an anal apparition.
That crazy bitch needs to take herself some Xanaps. Have you ever heard of such fucktardation in your life? Oh excuse me...I just performed a manual release. Better hold yer breath, just in case this one is an anal apparition.
by Lârry Dângüs, esq. May 27, 2009
Get the jackin' the box mug.