waitress crush

A crush that's one-sided to the point of being creepy.

See unrequited love.

on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Charlie has a waitress crush on the Waitress.

I had a total waitress crush on this girl from high school, until she slept with my best friend.

by JohnnyApocalypse September 05, 2012

Dick Missile

America's latest, greatest, and most effective sucka-seeking explosive projectile since Nagasaki. (Funded willingly by you, the taxpayer.)

Chill bro. If North Korea wants to pick a fight, our dick missiles will send them back to the stone age.

by JohnnyApocalypse August 22, 2015

dadoodadeeda

Verbal filler used to finish a sentence when too tired, lazy or drunk to actually assemble words into a complete thought. Ideally, used with the intention that the person you are speaking to is tuned into your train of thought enough that you are understood nonetheless.

Me after being awake 40 hours: "I gotta go dadoodadeeda."

A close friend: "Word."

by JohnnyApocalypse November 30, 2013

Fart, Fart, Shart

A game of chance one plays alone, or in a group. First one to shart, loses. Traditionnally, one finds themself embroiled in a game of Fart, Fart, Shart after dining on Chipotle or similar faire.

Kids play 'Duck, Duck, Goose.' Men play 'Fart, Fart, Shart'.

by JohnnyApocalypse November 09, 2016

Glutenpoopen

A side effect of gluten intolerance and failure to maintain strict dietary discipline.

I ate wheat bread, now I’m glutenpoopen

by JohnnyApocalypse July 12, 2022

Chinese Restaurant Name

An obviously Americanized/Westernized pseudonym taken by ethnically East Asian restaurant workers such as Billy, Kevin, Tony, Susan, Mary, etc.

I went to Ming Kui Lau and my server's name was Tony. No, seriously! It said that on his name tag! I mean yeah, it's probably not his real name, but his Chinese Restaurant name was Tony. Good guy, Tony...

by JohnnyApocalypse June 25, 2015

Turd Law of Relativity

The apparent difference in the rate of time perceived by someone taking a dump compared to the rest of the world. (For every minute you think you've been sitting on the toilet, 80-100 seconds have actually gone by.) The Turd Law rarely holds up to empirical measurement, and is therefore considered by the scientific community to be a big load of crap.

Boss: "If you weren't in there droppin' a deuce for so long you might be done your work by now."
Me: "I was in there for five minutes. Six tops."
Boss: "More like 15 or 20…"
Me: "Well I'll be damned. I just proved the Turd Law of Relativity."

by JohnnyApocalypse October 23, 2013