Colonel Barnaby's definitions

Cock milking

This term is defined as the act of manual stimulation to the loins of a willing male - either by another male or a female. The loins of the male are stroked in a rhythmical fashion ; often from behind so as to resemble the milking of a bovine by a milking maiden. This results in a very pleasurable seminal emission by the male, usually captured in a tissue or some other receptacle.

‘Harold loves it when Maude has a go at cock milking. It gives him instant relief and means she can’t get pregnant!’

by Colonel Barnaby January 21, 2023

Impotent

When a normal man is unable to obtain a stirring of the loins when confronted with an attractive young lady. This is sadly common. It is often associated with old age or prostrate difficulties. It produces extreme melancholia in the male; a feeling of worthlessness, of being unable to satisfy a woman, which - in extreme cases - can lead to suicide.

‘Sidney totally impotent and can’t get a hard-on, even when Doris wears her baby-doll nightie!’

by Colonel Barnaby January 23, 2023

Cocksucker

A disgraceful practise where a woman or an inverted man willingly engages in oral intercourse. This sexual act induces incredible sexual pleasure upon the male, with the added value that it cannot lead to pregnancy. This has, sadly, become incredibly popular amongst young people from all classes of society. However, one must also be aware that it can also be used as simply a term of abuse and nothing more.

‘Nellie called me a ‘cocksucker’ because she found out I was dating Florrie from the pickle factory!’

by Colonel Barnaby January 23, 2023

Frottaging

A type of perverted sexual solace performed by men against completely innocent members of the public, often in full view of their compatriots. It is normally associated with inverted men, but can also be performed by normal males against females. An inverted or normal man will select his frottaging ‘victim’ in, say, a crowded train, and approach them in as innocent a manner as possible. They will then rub their genital area or loins against them in an act of simulated sex before making off as quickly as possible. Most disgusting. Young ladies have also been victims to this disgraceful practice, and I urge you all to be very wary of young men who approach you in public areas!

‘Fred was bending over in the shop, tying his shoelaces, when a bloke came up behind him and started frottaging him, thrusting his loins against Fred’s bum. Fred turned around and the bloke made off like lightening.’

by Colonel Barnaby January 20, 2023

Milk pods

A juvenile English colloquialism of yesteryear, once used by schoolboys, to describe the breasts of a lady.

‘Cor, blimey, look at the curvy new French teacher - I wouldn’t mind turning on the taps on her milk pods!’

by Colonel Barnaby January 17, 2023

Bum bandit

This term refers to an inverted male who seeks sexual pleasure by committing his loins to the rectum of another male. This term has sinister connotations and suggests that the inverted male has violent or unwanted intentions. It was a widely used terminology in the 1950s and 60s, but is still encountered today, particularly among the lower classes.

‘Be careful when you’re with Tarquin; when he’s had a few drinks he turns into a right bum bandit!’

by Colonel Barnaby January 21, 2023

Winkle

This is a reference - used by mothers- to refer to the common periwinkle (a type of shellfish, resembling a small snail, and commonly found on shores in the northern hemisphere) and how much the contents of the shell resemble a little boys penis.

‘Kevin, don’t forget to give your winkle a good shake after you’ve had a wee-wee!’

by Colonel Barnaby January 18, 2023