Drunken Kleptomania 

Waking up hungover after a heavy night of drinking, often including blackouts and puking the superb act of being trashed - awakening to find a bunch of items that you don't actually own, on your drawers.

These are drunk trophies, memorabilia from the night before. Unfortunately as you pick them up the memories often don't come back, why do I have this mascara set on my desk? Whose keys are these? Why is this screw driver here?

If you've asked any of these questions you have been a victim (or more so abuser) of Drunken Kleptomania. Simply put, drunken kleptomania is a state in which you steal shit and bring it back, but you were drunk, so drunk in fact that you don't remember how you procured said shit.

FACT: 67% of men have participated in drunken kleptomania.

John woke up, it was Sunday - Bloody Sunday he thought as his head felt like someone was putting it in a vice set like in Casino, only this was a four-way pressure clusterfuck squeezing the scrambled mess of hungover brains. His eyes burned as he let out a mighty grunt. Suddenly his eyes opened a bit wider, the pain subsiding as a subtle "What the fuck" blurted out.

There he clumsily stood, gawking at what was his room. He noticed the new construction sign that was broken through the dry wall. The lipstick that was on the bureau and the amassed set of keys. He examined the keys and lipstick with peculiar intrigue...

"Wha, When the fuck did I get this?"

The memories from last night were not coming back, He remembered leaving the party, and the beer bong an hour before that, but nothing in between or after. Just then his roommate came into the room.

"Dude, you were so fucked last night..."

Little did John know, but he had participated in the greatest robbery, the largest collection of Drunken Kleptomania since 1974.

Drunken Kleptomania by Jimblor April 7, 2009