Bane

When extremely important people, such as Royal dignitaries and world leaders are escorted by their security staff, it is usual that one of them will take on the role of BANE. It is the roll of the BANE to immediately take on the responsibility of any involuntary bodily emissions made by their charge. Training for such a roll is long and arduous, often taking place in drinking establishments where large numbers of emissions are released by numerous people. The trainee must make sure he/she only accepts immediate, punctual, genuine and believable onus for emissions from the target source. As a multiple "Pardon me" or "Excuse me" made for the same fart by different people would soon give the game away to scandal hungry media. It requires an acute sense of hearing and smell, leading to a fast and accurate reaction. A BANE must spend some time with the client before commencing duty to accustom themselves to the unique pitch, tone, volume and bouquet of that particular client.

Because of this, it is not unusual for a dignitary to have the same BANE permanently. The Monarch herself has had the same person perform the duty as official BANE for many years. Her Lady-in-Waiting took on the roll in 1982 after the male officer trained for the task 'missed one', an SBD (Silent but Deadly) and her escort quickly took the blame instead of the BANE in a very convincing manner. The Monarch quickly promoted her to Woman of the Bedchamber, where she could immediately commence her training. Even now, 30 years on the Monarch fondly refers to her as "The BANE of her life". A recently leaked palace rumour states that the Monarch never really thought it natural that a man take the BANE roll for a lady anyway.

by jdajuk February 27, 2012

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