Yeah, no I'm gonna do an exodus one.
God "Hey! Hi! Moses!"
Moses "Um... Yes? Can I help you?"
God "Yeah, actually. I need you do to me favor."
Moses "Who... Exactly are you?"
God "Oh! Oh, right. Yeah, I'm the guy. I made all the stuff. What are you calling me nowadays? Elohim? Ha! I'm asking but... Well... You know."
Moses "OH! Oh! That- I... Yes! Yes, what can I do for you, lord? Anything!"
God "Yeah, hey, go tell Pharoah to give me all the Jew-slaves... Make him give me the Jew-slaves.... And those cows. I want the cows too."
Moses 😨 "Wh... What? How? I can't..."
God "No... You can. Tell him to give me the slaves or I'm going to kill all of his kids. Or wait, no! I'm going to kill all of the kids not just his- NO WAIT! Even better! The first born sons of every man and woman in Egypt! THAT'S who I'm going to kill. All the first born sons."
Moses 😱 "I can't tell him that! He's going to kill me! Why would he even believe me!? Why can't YOU just tell him!?"
God "Hey! Hi! Moses!"
Moses "Um... Yes? Can I help you?"
God "Yeah, actually. I need you do to me favor."
Moses "Who... Exactly are you?"
God "Oh! Oh, right. Yeah, I'm the guy. I made all the stuff. What are you calling me nowadays? Elohim? Ha! I'm asking but... Well... You know."
Moses "OH! Oh! That- I... Yes! Yes, what can I do for you, lord? Anything!"
God "Yeah, hey, go tell Pharoah to give me all the Jew-slaves... Make him give me the Jew-slaves.... And those cows. I want the cows too."
Moses 😨 "Wh... What? How? I can't..."
God "No... You can. Tell him to give me the slaves or I'm going to kill all of his kids. Or wait, no! I'm going to kill all of the kids not just his- NO WAIT! Even better! The first born sons of every man and woman in Egypt! THAT'S who I'm going to kill. All the first born sons."
Moses 😱 "I can't tell him that! He's going to kill me! Why would he even believe me!? Why can't YOU just tell him!?"
God "No... No, I don't really feel like it. I want you to do it... So... You're doing it. Hey, and tell him about the frogs. But no, you're fine. Go tell him the thing. Here- Go, take this magic stick."
*Hands Moses stick*
Moses "Um... Frogs?"
God "He's not going to want to do it so I'm gonna make it rain frogs.... And crickets... And I'm going to turn all the water into blood... And, like, 7 other things... Gonna do a bunch of stuff..."
Moses 😨
God "..... Oh, damn it. Is the times broken? Did I... Hold on a second- Er... Heheheh... Nevermind. Hmm... No... The times is on.... Huh... So... You're just standing there I don't understand what's happening right now."
Moses 😨
God "Okay... Go do the thing. I don't think I could have been any more clear about this. Times is on so why-uh... Are you not doing the thing?"
Moses 😨 *Walks off*
God 😮 💨 "I gotta get a better handle on this 'times' thing man... Is it moving? Is it not? I can't tell the fucking difference... 😮 💨 Yep... Yepyepyep... HEY! DON'T FORGET THE COWS!"
EXODUS
*Hands Moses stick*
Moses "Um... Frogs?"
God "He's not going to want to do it so I'm gonna make it rain frogs.... And crickets... And I'm going to turn all the water into blood... And, like, 7 other things... Gonna do a bunch of stuff..."
Moses 😨
God "..... Oh, damn it. Is the times broken? Did I... Hold on a second- Er... Heheheh... Nevermind. Hmm... No... The times is on.... Huh... So... You're just standing there I don't understand what's happening right now."
Moses 😨
God "Okay... Go do the thing. I don't think I could have been any more clear about this. Times is on so why-uh... Are you not doing the thing?"
Moses 😨 *Walks off*
God 😮 💨 "I gotta get a better handle on this 'times' thing man... Is it moving? Is it not? I can't tell the fucking difference... 😮 💨 Yep... Yepyepyep... HEY! DON'T FORGET THE COWS!"
EXODUS
by Hym Iam October 25, 2023
Get the Exodus mug.Yep.
Moses 😨 "Thank you for granting me an audience my liege... I... have a request..."
Pharoah "Yeah, cut to the chase I got a lot going on here today. What do you want?"
Moses 😨 "Um... I... Uh, I mean... Elohim wants... You... To... Let all of the slaves go... He wants all the slaves..."
Pharoah "PFFT! WHAT!? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA! AHA! GET THE FUCK RIGHT OUT OF HERE! No! No, no you go fuck yourself, buddy! You can fuck right off with that! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Moses "He's... He's going to kill everybody... All of the first born sons! And the frogs!"
Pharoah "He's going to kill all the frogs?"
Moses "No it'll RAIN frogs! I... I don't know what to do..."
Pharoah "What... In the fuck is going on here? What is this? Is this a fucking joke to you?"
Moses "No! No, I... He gave me this stick *turns into snake* AH GOD SHIT!"
Pharoah "AAAH SHIT! WHAT IN THE FUCK!?"
Moses "I DON'T KNOW! I don't know! He just fucking walked up to me and he gave me a stick, man!"
Pharoah "Elohim!? That!? ☝️ The fucking guy? "
Moses "YES!"
Pharoah "Wh... How in the fuck... No. Nonono. Get the fuck out of here! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"
Exodus II
Pharoah "Yeah, cut to the chase I got a lot going on here today. What do you want?"
Moses 😨 "Um... I... Uh, I mean... Elohim wants... You... To... Let all of the slaves go... He wants all the slaves..."
Pharoah "PFFT! WHAT!? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA! AHA! GET THE FUCK RIGHT OUT OF HERE! No! No, no you go fuck yourself, buddy! You can fuck right off with that! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Moses "He's... He's going to kill everybody... All of the first born sons! And the frogs!"
Pharoah "He's going to kill all the frogs?"
Moses "No it'll RAIN frogs! I... I don't know what to do..."
Pharoah "What... In the fuck is going on here? What is this? Is this a fucking joke to you?"
Moses "No! No, I... He gave me this stick *turns into snake* AH GOD SHIT!"
Pharoah "AAAH SHIT! WHAT IN THE FUCK!?"
Moses "I DON'T KNOW! I don't know! He just fucking walked up to me and he gave me a stick, man!"
Pharoah "Elohim!? That!? ☝️ The fucking guy? "
Moses "YES!"
Pharoah "Wh... How in the fuck... No. Nonono. Get the fuck out of here! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"
Exodus II
by Hym Iam October 25, 2023
Get the Exodus II mug.God 😠
Moses "Um... I... He said..."
God "No, I know what he said! You forgot the COWS! THE COWS, MOSES! I KNEW you'd forget the cows! Me-Damnit!"
Moses "I'm sorry I..."
God "Yeah, I'm doing the thing. Frogs, blood, all of it. The cows were the most important part, Moses!"
Moses "More important than the slaves?"
God "YES! I need those cows Moses!"
Moses "What? Why? You're Elohim! You don't need cows! You made the cows!"
God "No, I- Those are the good cows, Moses. I want THOSE cows though. He needs to give them to me."
Moses 😨 "Are you..."
God "Yeah I'm doing the thing. Go! Go back! Get me those cows! The kids should be dead by now so... Go! Cows! DON'T FORGET!"
Moses 😨 *Walks off*
Exodus III
Moses "Um... I... He said..."
God "No, I know what he said! You forgot the COWS! THE COWS, MOSES! I KNEW you'd forget the cows! Me-Damnit!"
Moses "I'm sorry I..."
God "Yeah, I'm doing the thing. Frogs, blood, all of it. The cows were the most important part, Moses!"
Moses "More important than the slaves?"
God "YES! I need those cows Moses!"
Moses "What? Why? You're Elohim! You don't need cows! You made the cows!"
God "No, I- Those are the good cows, Moses. I want THOSE cows though. He needs to give them to me."
Moses 😨 "Are you..."
God "Yeah I'm doing the thing. Go! Go back! Get me those cows! The kids should be dead by now so... Go! Cows! DON'T FORGET!"
Moses 😨 *Walks off*
Exodus III
by Hym Iam October 25, 2023
Get the Exodus III mug.Moses 😨 "Oh man..."
Woman 😭 "My baby! MY BABY!"
Moses "Oh jeez..."
Pharoah 😰 "How could this have happened?"
Moses "Pharoah I... I'm sorry I... I need those those slaves..."
Pharoah 😔 "Fine... Take them..."
Moses "Oo... Yeah... And I need some cows..."
Pharoah "HAVEN'T YOU TAKEN ENOUGH!?"
Moses "Yeah, I... He was pretty adamant about the cows..."
Pharoah "Fine... Just leave..."
Moses "Yeah... I'm gonna grab my magic stick-snake I don't know if that's import-"
Pharoah "GET OUT!"
Moses *Grabs snake and scurries off*
Exodus IV
Woman 😭 "My baby! MY BABY!"
Moses "Oh jeez..."
Pharoah 😰 "How could this have happened?"
Moses "Pharoah I... I'm sorry I... I need those those slaves..."
Pharoah 😔 "Fine... Take them..."
Moses "Oo... Yeah... And I need some cows..."
Pharoah "HAVEN'T YOU TAKEN ENOUGH!?"
Moses "Yeah, I... He was pretty adamant about the cows..."
Pharoah "Fine... Just leave..."
Moses "Yeah... I'm gonna grab my magic stick-snake I don't know if that's import-"
Pharoah "GET OUT!"
Moses *Grabs snake and scurries off*
Exodus IV
by Hym Iam October 25, 2023
Get the Exodus IV mug.The type of defecation a human being exerts in a toilet, outhouse, hole in the ground, or any other waste collection contraption; that comes out in one, singular, large, oversized, collective piece of fecal material.
But this isn’t just your average, gigantic, solo turd. This turd, while expelled from the human body, also takes with it any amount of evil, bad, negative-spiritual energy, that the human subject whom is pooping, may be carrying around with them at the time.
The turd is so large and powerful that when exiting the human body via the butthole, it also, simultaneously, performs an exorcism on the human excreting it.
But this isn’t just your average, gigantic, solo turd. This turd, while expelled from the human body, also takes with it any amount of evil, bad, negative-spiritual energy, that the human subject whom is pooping, may be carrying around with them at the time.
The turd is so large and powerful that when exiting the human body via the butthole, it also, simultaneously, performs an exorcism on the human excreting it.
My goodness! I feel almost as good as I do after a fierce sage and Palo Santo smudging since I dropped that wicked ‘Exorshit’ this morning!?!
by SicaSol October 28, 2023
Get the exorshit mug.by skamtebord October 29, 2023
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