Rigamortis Tortoise

A Rigamortis Tortoise is a vile and disgusting creature. Often cold and calloused, Rigamortis Tortoise can disgust even the most hardcore of people. Rigamortis Tortoise often has an undeserved sense of entitlement caused by birth.

We caught Rigamortis Tortoise walking out of the morgue with a bottle of astroglide and a pink dildo. That disgusting vermin.

by Jachoff Witme May 27, 2010

freeze the tortoise

To stop a conversation, because a) someone has said something incredibly awkward and/or disturbing or b) the conversation is inevitably leading that way.

When Mikey told me to "guard my carnal treasure" it really froze the tortoise.

by The Bard of Anon May 18, 2005

Tortoise Kisses

When two guys really love and respect each other, they might show it by lightly touching the tips of their penises together in a display of trust, friendship and understanding.

Bill and Jeff are in the back giving each other tortoise kisses. They're really good friends.

by TortoiseKisses January 21, 2011

Ford Tortoise

Slang for FORD TAURUS.

When my stupid ex-wife divorced me, I was sable to trade up from our old Ford Tortoise station wagon to a brand new Ford Rustang GT!

by Car-roll Shelby July 22, 2006

The Tortoise

When you eat out someone who doesn't have pubic hair yet - i.e. you got there before the hair (hare) did

Hey dude... After I left with that chick last night.. I was totally the Tortoise.. I got there before the hair !

by John Detlor March 20, 2009

Walking Tortoise Head

An extreme case of Turtle Head, in which the victim is forced to take sliding baby steps and clench their butt cheeks in order to avoid a full on pant's crapping episode.

You suddenly realize you have turtle head. You leave your desk and take several steps towards the restroom only to experience the second stage of Turtle Head called, "Walking Tortoise Head". You clench your butt cheeks together and make baby steps praying for the strength and the luck to make it to the toilet in time to release this angry monster.

by Caedis T Yo May 7, 2011

Tortoise Diet

One of the best reptilian animals. Foods include:

Mulberry leaves
Grape vine leaves
Hibiscus leaves
African hibiscus leaves
Blue hibiscus leaves
Rose of Sharon leaves
Rose leaves
Geraniums
Azania
Lavatera
Pansies
Petunias
Hostas
Honeysuckle
Cape honeysuckle
Leaves and blooms from any squash plant, like pumpkin, cucumber, summer squash, etc...
Young spineless opuntia cactus pads

Weeds:

There are so many!!!
Dandelion
Mallow
Filaree
Smooth Sow thistle
Prickly Sow thistle
Milk thistle
Goat head weed
Cats ear
Nettles
Trefoil
Wild onion
Wild mustard
Wild Garlic
Clovers
Broadleaf plantain
Narrow leaf plantain
Chick weed
Hawksbit
Hensbit
Hawksbeard
This is mostly for leopard tortoises and sulcata tortoises but for leopards less grass.

Tortoises need a big variety in their diet. Tortoise Diet

by #Animals4life January 21, 2018