Philotherian

Philo(love of) theria(wild beasts). A poncy name adopted by those that think showing a special interest in the welfare of animals makes them appear kinder, gentler and more sensitive souls. This is particularly useful for those intent on gaining the moral high ground over the mean girls that bully them at school. 15 year old female Philotherians (99.98% of all known Philotherians), can be found frequenting juvenile blogs such as Tumblr posting non-smiling selfies in various states of undress. When not posting selfies they like to write overly-long articles about the agony of menstrual cramps and the importance of following a low-fat vegan lifestyle. Philotherian males are a small but growing number of self-hating boys that wish to ingratiate themselves with the aforementioned girls.

Mom: How was school today, sweetie?
Jane: Okay, I guess. Sarah and me were talking about becoming Philotherians?
Mom: Oh yeah? What's that, sweetie?
Jane: Well, Sarah said she saw Rachel spitting on Mrs Jones' cat. I think that's really evil. Rachel's a bitch. She comes to school dressed like a prostitute and she's got the boys running around after her. Boys are pathetic.
Mom: Not all of them, sweetie. Your father was a lovely boy at your age.

Jane: Shut up,, mom. I'm not talking about dad. He's like really old. Boys were different back then.
Mom: I'm sorry, sweetie.

Jane: Well, anyways, mohhhhm, a Philotherian is an animal lover and we want to stick up for animal welfare issues.

Mom: That's because you're a beautiful young woman, sweetie.

Jane: Thanks mom.

by Heaven help me December 5, 2013

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