Lauren is in fact, despite her
conservative garb and the innocent appearance she cultivates, an Evil and Depraved
Person. She is also, almost certainly, a
Witch. Beneath her pale, fragile exterior lurks a sinister soul that loves playing Bananagrams with her
friends, harbours a twisted appreciation for Bob Ross and his paintings, and possesses an unironic fondness for cats (!!!). This warped individual also works full-time as a Content Manager(!), lives contentedly by herself(!), dresses sometimes in dark colours(!), seems unashamed of her red hair(!), and wears, occasionally, a hat (!!!). Lauren appears to spend much of her free time reading books (
witch!), tending to her plants (witch), winning at board games with her
friends (witch), keeping her apartment clean and tidy, probably with the use of a broom (witch), and having the occasional glass of red wine (witch). She also probably occupies her time casting spells on people (witch) and, if chucked in a lake, would probably float
like a
duck. (Unless she decided to fly away. Which there isn't a law against her doing, but which would definitely be a Witch Thing For Her To Do).
Hence Lauren is, all things told, in fact an Evil Nefarious Being. Everyone else has it wrong about her. Avoid Lauren if you're not a Keen-eyed Gentleman of Discernment who's providentially resistant to her charms and spells!
1.
A: Hey Charles, was really sorry to hear you've not been able to find any
work and that your car and belongings have been repossessed- are you alright?
B: No need to pretend to care, Lauren. No one else does, and at any rate I don't care what others think. I know thee for what thou truly
art, false-hearted enchantress!
A: ... Ok wait, wha-
B:
WITCH!
2.
A: I get it; I have red hair. But-
B:
WITCH!
3.
A: I don't quite see why you think I'm a
witch though. Are you quite certain you've taken your medica-
B: Doesn't matter Lauren if I've taken my meds; not relevant.
WITCH!
4.
A: Alright Charles, you win. I see there's no deceiving such a skilled observer of the carnival that is life as yourself. I admit it: I am a
witch. Tell me, what gave me away?
B: Thou needn't be too hard on thyself, Lauren. People are always saying that I see things that no one else sees. The wart upon thy nose gave thee away
A: Oh. Huh. Indeed. Just one thing though- I, er, don't have a wart on my nose?
B: Look;
whatever, Lauren. Inquisiting Discernerer that I am, some things I just know, ok? Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've a salamander I need to feed slices of broiled pineapple to, whilst dancing a jig by the fulgent light of the waning gibbous moon. Go thy ways,
weird woman. Aroint thee!
