nicholas d's definitions
Short for investment banking, an industry devoted to squeezing money out of transactions, famous for paying a metric shitload, being filled with douchebags, and doing absolutely nothing for the benefit of society. It is amazing that anyone actually ends up in this industry, as you have to be very smart to get such a job, but very stupid to take it.
Common characteristics are:
1) 80-100+ hour weeks, rarely even a weekend day off. Although it pays a lot in absolute terms, if you consider it on a per-hour basis (including overtime pay), it's not too far above minimum wage.
2) Meaningless, tedious, mind-numbing work.
3) A constant false sense of urgency on all projects.
4) Bonuses almost as big and sometimes bigger than base salaries, that is if you survive until bonus time.
5) Ranking everyone in the firm on the scale {Analyst, Associate, Vice President, Director/Executive Director, Managing Director, and so on}, often even HR, secretaries, and sanitation workers. Contradictorily, an "Analyst" in HR doesn't analyze anything, and a "Vice President" really isn't very important or high up at all.
6) Consistently recruits top college graduates into voluntary sweatshop-like slave labor camps called "Analyst programs."
Common characteristics are:
1) 80-100+ hour weeks, rarely even a weekend day off. Although it pays a lot in absolute terms, if you consider it on a per-hour basis (including overtime pay), it's not too far above minimum wage.
2) Meaningless, tedious, mind-numbing work.
3) A constant false sense of urgency on all projects.
4) Bonuses almost as big and sometimes bigger than base salaries, that is if you survive until bonus time.
5) Ranking everyone in the firm on the scale {Analyst, Associate, Vice President, Director/Executive Director, Managing Director, and so on}, often even HR, secretaries, and sanitation workers. Contradictorily, an "Analyst" in HR doesn't analyze anything, and a "Vice President" really isn't very important or high up at all.
6) Consistently recruits top college graduates into voluntary sweatshop-like slave labor camps called "Analyst programs."
Vice President #1: "SHIT!!! I'm going to have to spend all weekend getting this investor request done!!!"
Vice President #2: "Calm down man, it's not due back to them til the end of next week!"
VP #1: "NO, it needs to be done NOW!!! Where are all those analysts we hired? One of them can do the mindless bitch work."
VP #2: "Um, one committed suicide, two ended up in the mental ward, and another drowned in the huge pool of bullshit."
VP #1: "DAMN IT!!! We need to hire a new one. How about that janitor analyst Joe?"
VP #2: "Um...I guess so..."
VP #1: "Hey Joe, do you want a job as a corporate finance I-banking analyst here at Goldman Sachs? We'll pay you $60,000 base and you'll probably get $60,000 more in bonus. All we need from you is to give up every waking hour of your life, your health, and your soul."
Joe: "No thanks, I'd rather unclog toilets. Besides, I already make $8 an hour - I don't want to take a pay cut."
VP #1: "OH SHIT!!! WE'RE SO SCREWED!!! This needs to get done NOW!!!"
VP #2: "Whatever man, just make Nick D do it."
Vice President #2: "Calm down man, it's not due back to them til the end of next week!"
VP #1: "NO, it needs to be done NOW!!! Where are all those analysts we hired? One of them can do the mindless bitch work."
VP #2: "Um, one committed suicide, two ended up in the mental ward, and another drowned in the huge pool of bullshit."
VP #1: "DAMN IT!!! We need to hire a new one. How about that janitor analyst Joe?"
VP #2: "Um...I guess so..."
VP #1: "Hey Joe, do you want a job as a corporate finance I-banking analyst here at Goldman Sachs? We'll pay you $60,000 base and you'll probably get $60,000 more in bonus. All we need from you is to give up every waking hour of your life, your health, and your soul."
Joe: "No thanks, I'd rather unclog toilets. Besides, I already make $8 an hour - I don't want to take a pay cut."
VP #1: "OH SHIT!!! WE'RE SO SCREWED!!! This needs to get done NOW!!!"
VP #2: "Whatever man, just make Nick D do it."
by Nicholas D May 7, 2007
Get the I-banking mug.A figurative tax that's imposed on people who do a job that benefits society, or as the "Silicon Valley" cliche goes, "makes the world a better place." Because more people want to do meaningful jobs than worthless ones, the pay tends to be lower. The opposite is the douchebag bonus, where someone makes more money for doing a job that contributes zero or negative value to society.
Jimmy works as as a researcher who has made significant advances in cancer treatment, but he only makes $70k a year because of the better place tax. Meanwhile, Chazz the hedge fund manager gets a huge douchebag bonus and managed to rake in $10 million last year even though all he did was lose a bunch of rich people a bunch of money.
by Nicholas D July 25, 2015
Get the better place tax mug.Not bona fide; a fluke; a charlatan.
Comes from ESPN's "Fantasy Focus" podcast where Nate "The Say Nay Kid" Ravitz and Matthew "Talented Mr. Roto" Berry play the game "Bona fide or Bonifacio?" In this game, they analyze whether a player has legitimate skills or is just on a lucky hot streak.
Comes from baseball player Emilio Bonifacio, who started off the 2009 season on fire but then faded into obscurity.
Comes from ESPN's "Fantasy Focus" podcast where Nate "The Say Nay Kid" Ravitz and Matthew "Talented Mr. Roto" Berry play the game "Bona fide or Bonifacio?" In this game, they analyze whether a player has legitimate skills or is just on a lucky hot streak.
Comes from baseball player Emilio Bonifacio, who started off the 2009 season on fire but then faded into obscurity.
Dad 1: "Little Johnny had a great first T-Ball game. He got two hits and made a nice play at second base."
Dad 2: "Get out of here. Your kid is totally bonifacio. My kid's team is going to shit all over his bitch-ass team's face next game. You just wait. Then next year when my kid gets to pitch, well haha, let's just say Johnny better not forget his facemask, because he'll be getting a little chin music if you know what I mean. YOUR ASS IS GOIN' DOWN!"
Dad 1: "It's T-Ball, dude, calm down."
Dad 2: "IN YO' FACE MR. BONIFACIO! OH YEAH!"
Dad 2: "Get out of here. Your kid is totally bonifacio. My kid's team is going to shit all over his bitch-ass team's face next game. You just wait. Then next year when my kid gets to pitch, well haha, let's just say Johnny better not forget his facemask, because he'll be getting a little chin music if you know what I mean. YOUR ASS IS GOIN' DOWN!"
Dad 1: "It's T-Ball, dude, calm down."
Dad 2: "IN YO' FACE MR. BONIFACIO! OH YEAH!"
by Nicholas D August 26, 2011
Get the bonifacio mug.A word that those who might be disparagingly called nigger guys can use to refer to each other, but is extremely offensive if anyone else uses it. Refers to a non-African-American person known for using the N-word, such as Michael Richards, Randy Marsh of "South Park," or Mark Fuhrman from the O.J. trial.
Randy Marsh: "Wassup nigga guy."
Michael Richards: "Not much, nigga guy. Hey, I saw you on 'Wheel of Fortune.' Nobody thought that answer was 'naggers'! Nigga guy please!"
Randy Marsh: "For real my nigga guy."
Actual black guy: "What's up, nigga guys?"
Michael Richards: "Oh no you didn't! You can't say that word! Don't you know that the word 'nigga' legally has to be at least 7 words away from the word 'guy'?"
Actual black guy: "But you just..."
Randy Marsh: "So offensive! Some people are just so ignorant!"
Actual black guy: "You nigga guys - I mean Caucasian gentlemen known for using the N-word - have GOT to be kidding me!"
Michael Richards: "Not much, nigga guy. Hey, I saw you on 'Wheel of Fortune.' Nobody thought that answer was 'naggers'! Nigga guy please!"
Randy Marsh: "For real my nigga guy."
Actual black guy: "What's up, nigga guys?"
Michael Richards: "Oh no you didn't! You can't say that word! Don't you know that the word 'nigga' legally has to be at least 7 words away from the word 'guy'?"
Actual black guy: "But you just..."
Randy Marsh: "So offensive! Some people are just so ignorant!"
Actual black guy: "You nigga guys - I mean Caucasian gentlemen known for using the N-word - have GOT to be kidding me!"
by Nicholas D December 17, 2011
Get the nigga guy mug.A phrase used to describe a stark difference between two things. Similar to day and night, except it implies an improvement of the situation rather than a deterioration.
Democrat: "Wow, I'm so happy that Obama is in the White House now. The difference in our country's leadership has been night and day."
Republican: "Actually it's been day and night. George W. Bush was the man."
Independent: "You're both wrong. It's been night and night. Both parties are corrupt as hell."
Libertarian: "No, I'd say it's been more of dusk and twilight."
Left-leaning moderate: "You're crazy. It's totally been dusk and dawn."
Normal person: "Seriously guys, shut up."
Republican: "Actually it's been day and night. George W. Bush was the man."
Independent: "You're both wrong. It's been night and night. Both parties are corrupt as hell."
Libertarian: "No, I'd say it's been more of dusk and twilight."
Left-leaning moderate: "You're crazy. It's totally been dusk and dawn."
Normal person: "Seriously guys, shut up."
by Nicholas D March 15, 2009
Get the night and day mug.Your father.
NOTE: While "the old man" refers to your father, "the old lady" refers to your wife or girlfriend, not your mother. Calling your mother "the old lady" is considered disrespectful.
NOTE: While "the old man" refers to your father, "the old lady" refers to your wife or girlfriend, not your mother. Calling your mother "the old lady" is considered disrespectful.
Darth Vader: "Luke, I am the old man."
Luke: "I know you're old. Please stop distracting me while I'm trying to kill you."
Darth Vader: "I didn't say I am AN old man, I said I'm THE old man. As in yours."
Luke: "Oh shit dude, for reals? You're my dad? That's a bummer, considering that you're like the most evil person ever and I've dedicated my life to trying to kill you."
Darth Vader: "I know this must be a tough time for you son. There's a family reunion next week though, and I'd be delighted if you would come with me and meet your Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Susan."
Luke: "Gee...um...dad. I don't know, I'll have to think about it."
Darth Vader: "Ok, I understand. In the meantime, quit trying to bone Princess Leia. She's your sister."
Luke: "DAMN! Glad I used a rubber!"
Luke: "I know you're old. Please stop distracting me while I'm trying to kill you."
Darth Vader: "I didn't say I am AN old man, I said I'm THE old man. As in yours."
Luke: "Oh shit dude, for reals? You're my dad? That's a bummer, considering that you're like the most evil person ever and I've dedicated my life to trying to kill you."
Darth Vader: "I know this must be a tough time for you son. There's a family reunion next week though, and I'd be delighted if you would come with me and meet your Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Susan."
Luke: "Gee...um...dad. I don't know, I'll have to think about it."
Darth Vader: "Ok, I understand. In the meantime, quit trying to bone Princess Leia. She's your sister."
Luke: "DAMN! Glad I used a rubber!"
by Nicholas D February 3, 2009
Get the the old man mug.A polictically-correct way to say the word "retarded," a la the Black Eyed Peas song "Let's Get It Started."
Tom: Oh man, Jim, I was heading to school today and I saw a BUNCH of retarded kids walking to their special school.
Teacher: Thomas Joseph Wilkins! You know not to use such language in the classroom!
Tom: Sorry, Mrs. Peterson. What happened was I saw a bunch of it started kids on the way to school. They were so it started that I went up and stole a bunch of money from each of them and they didn't even notice, and then I pushed one of them over, laughed at him, and yelled "get out of the way, it start!"
Teacher: That's much better Thomas.
Teacher: Thomas Joseph Wilkins! You know not to use such language in the classroom!
Tom: Sorry, Mrs. Peterson. What happened was I saw a bunch of it started kids on the way to school. They were so it started that I went up and stole a bunch of money from each of them and they didn't even notice, and then I pushed one of them over, laughed at him, and yelled "get out of the way, it start!"
Teacher: That's much better Thomas.
by Nicholas D October 19, 2005
Get the it started mug.