al benedict's definitions

Tuvan Phone Call

A phone call in which you choose your words carefully in an attempt to maintain a coherent conversation with the person on the end of the line while giving a completely different impression of what the conversation is about to anyone standing next to you. Usually involves more than the usual number of pronouns.

From "Tuvan Throat Singing", where you sing two different notes at once.

I had a Tuvan Phone Call last night with my girlfriend. We went on for half an hour and my Grandma had no idea we were having phone sex.

by Al Benedict April 17, 2010

Spamburst

When your email address is chosen as the lucky winner in the contest held by a spammer to determine which email address will be used for the day's, ahem, First Amendment protected free commercial speech. The end results is hundreds if not thousands of bounced messages.

I probably got your message. It just got caught in a spamburst yesterday.

by Al Benedict October 1, 2008

Airbagging with the kid

Driving a car with a small child in your lap. In the event of an accident, the child's body will help protect you from injury by cushioning the blow between yourself and the steering wheel.

Bob: Should you be talking on your cellphone while you're driving?
Bill: Relax, I'm Airbagging with the kid. Even if I hit something, I'll be fine.

by Al Benedict April 15, 2008

Valentine's Day Tree

A tree one displays in one's living room in the middle of February. Generally, very similar to a Christmas tree, but much drier. Ideally decorated with small scraps of tinsel, but having a complete set of Christmas ornaments is acceptable. An alternate method of display is to lay it on its side in the front yard.

The proper method of celebrating a Valentine's Day Tree is to stay at least 3 feet away from it and not make eye contact.

A 4th of July tree is very similar, only with brown needles instead of green.

"Welcome to my place. Uh, please ignore the Valentine's Day Tree. It won't mind"

by Al Benedict February 5, 2008

Oneing the two

Attempting to remove stuck poop from a toilet with a well aimed high pressure stream of pee.

Are you Oneing the two in there?

Well, it's not like I have choice. You threw out the brush.

It was gross

by Al Benedict October 7, 2010

Common Sense

A phrase used by someone who wants any critical analysis of what they are saying to stop immediately.

"Global warming can't exist because it was cold last winter. That's just common sense."

by Al Benedict June 11, 2009

tauntbary

A music library (iTunes or otherwise) that's visible to your roommates or coworkers, but due to firewalls or DRM restrictions, contains nothing that can be played.

Bob: Bill just shared his iTunes library. Let's take a look.

Bob: Dammit. Another tauntbary.

by Al Benedict December 20, 2012