al benedict's definitions

Loud Pipes

The only concession to safety that a motorcycle needs. Time was, you were expected to wear visible clothing and a helmet and drive predictably. Now it's OK to dress completely in black (no helmet) and pop in and out of lanes at will. As long as you have really loud, low pitched, non-directional exhaust noise.

Loud pipes endanger lives.

"Boy, these loud pipes rock. Everybody takes their eyes off the road to figure out where the hell the racket is coming from and get into massive pileups. Then I just drive around the mess."

by Al Benedict June 4, 2013

Showing card tricks to a dog

Trying to a explain something that's very complex to someone that doesn't understand the basic fundamentals the thing you are explaining is based on.

I tried to explain it to him, but he kept asking the same non sequitur questions over and over. I felt like I was showing card tricks to a dog.

by Al Benedict November 14, 2010

Brown Bunny

1) A hard piece of shit that is starting to emerge from between your cheeks before you get to the toilet.

2) A notoriously bad, self indulgent film by Vincent Gallo.

Bob: (Bangs on stall door) "Hurry up! I've got a Brown Bunny here!"
Bill: "OK, OK" (Leaves stall)
Bob: "Thanks!" (Grabs cans of film and rushes in. Seconds later, a flushing sound is heard)
Bob: "Ahhh... That's much better." (Emerges with now empty film cans).

by Al Benedict August 18, 2009

Security by Banality

A computer system made secure by obviously containing nothing of interest. Never a protection against pranksters, in the age of Zombie Spammers, this concept is mostly obsolete.

I protected Mom's computer by installing Windows 98 on it and putting up a thick firewall of bundt cake recipes. True Security by Banality.

by Al Benedict April 9, 2008

tauntbary

A music library (iTunes or otherwise) that's visible to your roommates or coworkers, but due to firewalls or DRM restrictions, contains nothing that can be played.

Bob: Bill just shared his iTunes library. Let's take a look.

Bob: Dammit. Another tauntbary.

by Al Benedict December 20, 2012

Common Sense

A phrase used by someone who wants any critical analysis of what they are saying to stop immediately.

"Global warming can't exist because it was cold last winter. That's just common sense."

by Al Benedict June 11, 2009

Tuvan Phone Call

A phone call in which you choose your words carefully in an attempt to maintain a coherent conversation with the person on the end of the line while giving a completely different impression of what the conversation is about to anyone standing next to you. Usually involves more than the usual number of pronouns.

From "Tuvan Throat Singing", where you sing two different notes at once.

I had a Tuvan Phone Call last night with my girlfriend. We went on for half an hour and my Grandma had no idea we were having phone sex.

by Al Benedict April 17, 2010