al benedict's definitions

Shrubbery

An unreasonable request added to a task by someone who wishes you to fail. From the Monty Python "Knights who say Ni" sketch.

Bob: "In order to convince me that global warming is real, you will have to show that all temperatures everywhere on the globe are setting records at all times."

Bill: "Uh huh. Would you like a Shrubbery as well?"

by Al Benedict June 28, 2013

misspelt

A shibboleth that people that believe that the English language should be static use to find each other.

Kind of like a secret fraternity handshake.

Q: "What is the correct way to say a word is not spelled properly?"

A: "Oh god. You're one of those 'misspelt' dumbasses, aren't you? Shoo! The thumbs down button is up and to the right."

by Al Benedict August 21, 2011

cryptonimby

Someone that is terribly, terribly offended at the very thought of being accused of being a NIMBY, but refuses on the grounds of "reasonable concerns" to allow any development in their area.

"OMG. The Traffic!"

"Been studied. It will be fine."

"OMG. The Sewage!"

"We're only using 1/3 of what we have."

"OMG! My view!"

"Of what? You won't even be able see it through your trees."

"Why are you being this way?"

"Because you're a total cryptonimby"

by Al Benedict October 26, 2018

Common Sense

A phrase used by someone who wants any critical analysis of what they are saying to stop immediately.

"Global warming can't exist because it was cold last winter. That's just common sense."

by Al Benedict June 11, 2009

Total Existence Failure

When something malfunctions by virtue of not existing at all. Taken (but not precisely) from "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". In the original usage, a spaceship existed for a while and then spontaneously disappeared.

Bob: Can I borrow your car?
Bill: Nope. Sorry. It's having a total existence failure.

by Al Benedict October 22, 2009

Security by Banality

A computer system made secure by obviously containing nothing of interest. Never a protection against pranksters, in the age of Zombie Spammers, this concept is mostly obsolete.

I protected Mom's computer by installing Windows 98 on it and putting up a thick firewall of bundt cake recipes. True Security by Banality.

by Al Benedict April 9, 2008

tauntbary

A music library (iTunes or otherwise) that's visible to your roommates or coworkers, but due to firewalls or DRM restrictions, contains nothing that can be played.

Bob: Bill just shared his iTunes library. Let's take a look.

Bob: Dammit. Another tauntbary.

by Al Benedict December 20, 2012