Definitions by QuacksO
Dais-naid
A casually-flippant acronym-remark (stands for "Do as I say, not as I do") uttered by a habitual hypocrite in response to any and all "whistleblowers" who protest the consistency-deprived sinner's "talking out of both sides of his mouth" during his day-to-day behavior and interactions with the world in general.
Anytime I take exception to someone's overly-critical attitude towards me over seemingly-trivial issues, I carefully look over the criticizer's own life and try to seek out any shocking and/or glaringly-obvious ways that he himself "falls short", and I then throw these examples right back in his face. Usually he will at least grudgingly acknowledge my points as valid, shruggingly saying, "Ah, well --- touché, I guess," and then add as an afterthought, "Dais-naid".
pince-nez president poser
Refers to an assistance-related question --- either a request for a favor or an offer to provide help yourself --- regarding a slightly "cranky" subject dat da person whom you're approaching might otherwise feel annoyed/embarrassed to be queried about; you therefore "soften the blow" by humorously "packaging" your question as a knock-knock joke, and using da first name of dat geeky-lookin' Prez wif da round-rimmed spectacles as da name of da "visitor" in da joke.
Here are da two “classic” ways dat ya would smilingly employ da “pince-nez president poser” to hopefully lessen da distress dat your listener would likely feel to be asked said question:
To ask da person for his assistance:
“Knock, knock…”
”Who’s there?”
“Woodrow!!!”
”Woodrow, who?”
“Woodrow be reasonably able to ___ for me sometime in da next few days?”
Or to offer da person your own assistance:
“Knock, knock…”
”Who’s there?”
“Woodrow!!!”
”Woodrow, who?”
“Woodrow like me to ___ for you occasionally, if it’s reasonably convenient for both of us?”
To ask da person for his assistance:
“Knock, knock…”
”Who’s there?”
“Woodrow!!!”
”Woodrow, who?”
“Woodrow be reasonably able to ___ for me sometime in da next few days?”
Or to offer da person your own assistance:
“Knock, knock…”
”Who’s there?”
“Woodrow!!!”
”Woodrow, who?”
“Woodrow like me to ___ for you occasionally, if it’s reasonably convenient for both of us?”
pince-nez president poser by QuacksO November 5, 2018
Miss Punnymany
Da super-helpful-and-dedicated secretary of da great stand-up comedian Bames Johnned; she often sits off-stage with a two-way earpiece-radio to maintain constant communication with him, and quietly makes joke-suggestions to Mr. Johnned if he is occasionally is at a loss for words.
Bames Johnned: Good evening, Folks, and thank you so much for coming; you all look absolutely fabulous from here! A funny thing happened on my drive over here tonight --- I saw a whole flock of wild geese in the grassy median of the freeway, and they were all making a huge commotion over something they'd found on the ground. Dunno why they were being so noisy about it, though; I guess that they just --- ummmm..."
Miss Punnymany: "How 'bout, 'they just enjoy honking their own horns', Sir?"
Bames Johnned: "Yes --- they just enjoy honking their own horns! Thanks, Miss Punnymany --- how would I ever manage without you?"
Miss Punnymany: "How 'bout, 'they just enjoy honking their own horns', Sir?"
Bames Johnned: "Yes --- they just enjoy honking their own horns! Thanks, Miss Punnymany --- how would I ever manage without you?"
Miss Punnymany by QuacksO November 5, 2018
whiz 2 whiz
A.k.a. "zip 2 unzip"; a humorous way of referring to the act of dashing off into da woods for a moment to urinate.
It was a really hot day, and so I brought plenty of drinking-water with me when Tiffany and I went out for a relaxing stroll on a quiet country lane; da only prob was dat my internal workin's didn't seem to know enough to "hold onto da refreshing moisture" instead of just "dumping" it, and so I hadda whiz 2 whiz every fifteen minutes!
whiz 2 whiz by QuacksO November 5, 2018
whiz-race
The impromptu "time-contest" that you are forced to wage with an approaching vehicle when you step off da sidewalk to pee and there is little concealing "cover"; you therefore have to actively "hurry your bladder" in a desperate effort to "drain yer radiator" quickly enough to "beat da clock" --- i.e., to finish "whizzing" and get your pants zipped back up before the "whizzing" car gets close enough for its occupants to catch sight of you wif yer tallywacker out.
I try to always choose a thickly-vegetated spot in which to take a leak when I'm out walking along country lanes, but occasionally there is such a lengthy stretch of sparse bush-growth that I am unable to "hold it" long enough to eventually reach denser roadside-foliage; I therefore have to "hold a whiz-race" if I hear one or more vehicles approaching in the distance.
chocolate-milk alternative
Refers to a "just as bad or worse" substitution-product/activity employed to supposedly "fill the void" created by a discontinued unhealthy habit --- the idea here is that while the milk itself may indeed be low-fat, the added calorie-rich and sugary-sweet chocolate has far more fattening ingredients than just the cream in full-fat milk could possibly have contained, and so the person will likely gain even more weight than ever.
Three classic --- and very tragic --- examples of a "chocolate-milk alternative" would be a substance-abuse recovery-program's giving a dry-drunk lots of high-sugar foods in place of alcohol, someone's switching to compulsive shopping in place of gambling, or a person's becoming harshly-snappy and irritably-demanding after giving up cigarettes.
chocolate-milk alternative by QuacksO November 5, 2018
hurricane hoarder
Someone who justifies cramming his home full of stuff by saying that it protects his home by weighing it down too much to be blown away in high winds.
Red Green gives humorous lectures about why men like to obtain/save stuff that they never use, but he never mentions the hurricane hoarder as another type of dude who possesses a valid-sounding reason for not re-evaluating. Maybe I should suggest that idea to him.
hurricane hoarder by QuacksO November 5, 2018