Darren Besert's definitions

Meat Virginia

The original title of the 1999 rock hit, “Meet Virginia” as written by Robert Hotchkiss, Pat Monahan and James Stafford of the rock band “Train”. The original lyrics were affectionately written about a Virginia-shaped piece of meatloaf during a serious case of the “munchies” while the band was performing a gig in Richmond. Written as a goof, the melody had such an appealing draw that the band decided to re-title the track to “Meet Virginia” and edit the lyrics to be more abstract and broadly appealing. The meaning behind the song “Meet Virginia” as has been hotly contested with theories of love interests, strippers, and drag queens abounding. Until now, the band has hilariously allowed these theories to promulgate while the original title and meaning of the song has eluded the blogosphere.

Rob: “Meat Virginia! I can't wait to eat Meat Virginia, yeah e yeah hey hey hey”
Pat: “Savage”
James: “Love it”

by Darren Besert October 25, 2018

Starfox Neck

The neck pain and stiffness resulting from craning ones neck backwards in order to play Starfox 64 on those elevated TV’s at Wal-Mart in 1997.

The year is 1997, I’m 10 years old and obsessed with Starfox 64. I have an N64, but money is tight and my birthday is months away leaving me no choice but to continue to accompany mom to Wal-Mart so I can play the demo game in the electronics department. She would tell me to meet her at the checkout in 20 minutes, but once I hit the start button, time turned into some arbitrary construct worthy only of being ignored. I was frequently shaken out of my Starfox stupor 3/4th of the way through the story-line to an angry mom and a nasty case of Starfox Neck. Come June, I received my own copy of Starfox 64 and the condition was never experienced again.

I still play StarFox 64 on occasion and it remains one of my favorite games. I have medal’d every level, but accomplished little else worthy of note in my life.

by Darren Besert March 19, 2019

DTC

Acronym for “Down To Churro”. Ready and willing to consume a deep-fried pastry whether it be firm, thin and short (Cinnamon Version) or soggy, long and thick (Oreo Version) from Taco Johns. A person is DTC when they succumb to the pressure of eating at Taco John’s even if it’s only for the Churro. Being DTC doesn’t necessarily dictate that one must eat any other food there. One must be careful when DTC as the act of de-gloving and consuming such a sweet, phallic-like, food will often subject the person to compromising photography. Said opportunities are often seized by colleagues, chuckle-heads, and trolls named “Darren” to create Photoshop gold and write songs titles applicable to the situation.

Shawn: “Has anyone listened to the new album by Churreo Speedwagon?”
Darren: “Nope. How is it?”
Shawn: “Full of smash hits such as:”
“Pour Some Churro’s On Me”
“Live and Let Churro”
“American Churro”
“You Churro’d Me All Night Long”
“Mo’ Churros, Mo’ Problems”
“Churro On, Churro On”

Darren: Sounds like a winner! What inspired the album?
Shawn: Someone must have been seriously DTC and got caught. Leads to all sorts of shenanigans.

Darren: No doubt. No doubt.

by Darren Besert April 12, 2017

Blue Apron

A food delivery service that deals almost exclusively in raisins, almonds, and vinegar. If it’s not sour and crunchy, it’s not Blue Apron.

Look at your hand? Nothing in it? Well, look at your other hand. You may be surprised to find $10 dollars in this hand. What to do? What to do? If you’re feeling hungry, you may be in luck because that $10 dollars can go a long way toward your next meal of choice. Heck, you can head on down to the local Qdoba and nom nom through a delicious double steak bowl with a side of chips and queso with 10 whole dollars. No one would knock you for making that choice, but you have another choice. You could choose to take that 10 dollars and have a combination of raisins, almonds, and vinegar delivered right to your door as many times a week as your little heart desires! This way you can take it upon yourself to cook up a nice, sour, grool after having spent that last 12 hours in the miserable hell hole you call a job. Blue Apron is the perfect excuse to don an apron, sharpen up those knives you got 10 years ago at your wedding, and dirty up every pot and pan in the house.

Here’s some excellent Blue Apron recipes:
1. Raisin and almond patties with a nice vinegar dipping sauce.
2. Raisin and almonds frozen in vinegar ice cubes to chill a nice glass of straight vinegar.
3. Raisin and almond kabobs(toothpicks not provided) grilled with a vinegar glaze.
4. Raisin/almond shooters with a vinegar base.

by Darren Besert October 26, 2017

The Calendar Option

A technique of temporarily “saving face” with colleagues, bosses, customers, and auditors by changing every calendar and clock in a particular workplace in an effort to cover up a missed deadline. “The Calendar Option” is the “Nuclear Option” of work place fault misdirection. “The Calendar Option” should only be used when the monumental task of changing dozens of calendars, clocks, and watches pales in comparison to actually completing ones assigned task on time. Hacking of local computer and cellular networks is usually preferred, as these sources represent the primary ways of determining dates and times. “The Calendar Option” will buy you enough time to prepare a resume, write a cover page, and apply for other jobs in the timespan prior to your superiors realizing you’ve elegantly gamed them to death. Worried about future employment? Don’t! One who can successfully employ “The Calendar Option” is often far under-employed anyway. This fact is clearly demonstrated as the time, energy, intelligence and sheer skill required to pull off the maneuver could be accomplished by no less than an American, tier 1, Special Forces operator who is also a Ninja.

Are you late? Can’t blame a colleague? Can’t blame your computer? Can’t blame the weather? Don’t even bother! Just employ “The Calendar Option” and you won’t need to blame a thing because the calendar and clocks say “you’re not late!”

late nuclear option option ninja bad employee blame

by Darren Besert January 21, 2016