Bel Air-ball

A message that looks like it's going to turn into a Bel Air, but against all expectations, does not.

Dude #1: "About 2 weeks ago I went to an Albertson's grocery store to pick up some food for work.

I pay with my credit card, and the instant the credit card processes the purchase, the clerk's phone rings.

As I'm walking away towards the door, the clerk speaks up. "Wait!"

I turn to face her, and as I do she reaches the phone out towards me.

"Um... it's for you, actually."

At this moment I don't even know what the fuck to think.

Did I just win the millionth customer award and this is my congratulatory phone call?

Was there something wrong with my credit card and the FBI or some agency was going to interrogate me?

Did motherfucking Morpheus just call me?

I reluctantly and suspiciously accepted the phone. I put the phone up to my ear without speaking so I could gather some intel on the mystery caller.

But instead of waiting for me to say 'hello', the voice over the phone somehow knew I was listening and immediately began talking: "Are you rolling on ecstasy?"

At that moment, time began to move very slowly. It was like Matrix-time. I looked up and inspected the faces on the clerk and the customers waiting in line behind me. Their expressions gave me no clues.

I had no idea how to respond to the voice.

Were my purchasing habits suspicious or particular for a drug user? I mean, I had bought a bottle of water. I suppose people on X do dehydrate quickly. But I don't suppose people usually get these kinds of phone calls for simply buying water. So I wondered maybe I looked stoned. Was I staggering? Had management seen me over the store cameras and thought I looked intoxicated? I am probably a hypochondriac because I'm always suspicious I might have health problems. Maybe I have Multiple Sclerosis after all and I was staggering around the store and didn't even notice it.

I had a lot of questions, but was only able to verbalize the first one that came to my head: "The fuck?"

The voice shot back: "Why are you wearing that mask?"

I had a dust mask dangling from my neck that I used at work because I'm allergic to the dust and pollen out in the desert.

Instead of answering the question, I asked: "Who the fuck is this?"

In a more casual and reassuring tone, the voice responded: "It's me, bitch!"

I noticed something flicker in my visual periphery, looked up and saw an Albertson's employee several registers down, talking on the phone.

It was my friend Hector from high school, years ago. Spacetime returned to normality. I still felt weird for a while after that.

I kinda hoped it was Morpheus."

Dude #2: Bel Air-ball! Totally thought I was gonna get princed.

Bel Air-ball by 2hamsters1couple April 25, 2009