Dude #1: "About 2 weeks ago I went to an Albertson's grocery store to pick
up some food for work.
I pay with my credit
card, and the instant the credit
card processes the purchase, the clerk's phone rings.
As I'm walking away towards
the door, the clerk speaks up. "Wait!"
I turn to face her, and as I do she reaches the phone out towards
"Um... it's for you, actually."
At this moment I don't even know
what the fuck to think.
Did I just win the millionth customer award and this is my congratulatory phone call?
Was there something wrong with my credit
card and the FBI or some agency
Did motherfucking Morpheus
just call me?
I reluctantly and suspiciously accepted the phone
. I put the phone
up to my ear without
speaking so I could gather
some intel on the mystery
But instead of waiting for me to say 'hello', the voice over the phone
somehow knew I was listening and immediately began talking: "Are you rolling
moment, time began to move very slowly. It was like Matrix-time
. I looked up and inspected the faces on the clerk and the customers waiting in line behind me. Their expressions gave me no clues.
I had no idea how to respond
to the voice.
Were my purchasing habits suspicious or particular for a drug user? I mean, I had bought a bottle of water. I suppose people
on X do dehydrate
quickly. But I don't suppose people
usually get these
kinds of phone calls for simply buying water. So I wondered maybe I looked stoned. Was I staggering? Had management seen me over the store cameras and thought I looked intoxicated? I am probably
a hypochondriac because I'm always suspicious I might have
health problems. Maybe I have
Multiple Sclerosis after all and I was staggering around
the store and didn't even notice it.
I had a lot of questions, but was only able to verbalize the first
came to my head: "The fuck?"
The voice shot back: "Why are you wearing that
I had a dust mask dangling from my neck that
I used at work because I'm allergic to the dust and pollen
out in the desert.
Instead of answering
the question, I asked: "Who the fuck is this?"
In a more casual and reassuring tone, the voice responded: "It's me, bitch!"
I noticed something flicker in my visual
periphery, looked up and saw an Albertson's employee several registers down, talking on the phone.
It was my friend Hector from high school, years ago. Spacetime returned
to normality. I still felt
weird for a while after that
hoped it was Morpheus."
Dude #2: Bel Air-ball! Totally thought I was gonna get princed