Stolebudsman 

The singular member of a Stolevrusny clan who is selected for the unenviable task of remaining sober (or at least reasonably so) for a given evening to observe the night’s progression, digression(s) and devolution of group members’ coherence and self-respect.

The role of Stolebudsman traces it roots back to that of Ombudsman, while also incorporating elements of the sometimes overlapping roles of Designated Driver and Babysitter. While the current application of the role of Stolebudsman retains the practical responsibilities of ensuring safety of fellow members, the more significant elements of the position are monitoring the cognitive and logical arc of the thoughts and comments emanating from the brains and mouths of the Stole(s) being observed, and replaying and debating them in future meetings.

Providing the transportation safety elements of serving as a Stolebudsman is generally perceived as being slightly rewarding, however, serving in the position for more than a very abbreviated period is believed to leave the designated individual both scared and scarred with symptoms akin to a mild variant of PTSD. Fortunately, legacy Stolebudsmen have developed a treatment regimen with 100% efficacy which simply entails rejoining the Stolevrusny clan as a fully-participating member. This therapy allows ex-Stolbudsman to observe and participate in the group’s dialogue and behavior without triggering the anxiety and concerns that would have resulted if he were sober.

Example: BigStole was my Stolebudsman last night and I’m embarrassed at all of the gibberish that must have come out of my mouth. Fortunately, I’m aware that he is seeking intensive treatment later this evening and all of my embarrassment and shame will melt away as he enters the room with a spirited Crotch Chop.

Stolebudsman by Dr. Gibberish January 7, 2023