Pitch Count 

A euphemism used to measure levels of drunkenness. Taken from baseball.

Low pitch count: buzzed, can continue to imbibe for a long time.
High pitch count: smashed, high risk of being pulled from the game.

There are 8 stops on this bar crawl so I can't let my pitch count get too high early on.

Pitch Count by AgileSloth July 9, 2012

Contact Patch 

It is the portion of a vehicle's tire that is in actual contact with the road surface. It is most commonly used in the discussion of pneumatic tires, (i.e. pressurized tires), where the term is strictly used to describe the portion of the tire’s tread that touches the road surface. The term footprint is used almost synonymously.

"Did you see that car have no contact patch?"

Contact Patch by Known-Unknown December 20, 2009

CONTACT PATCH 

A HOT BIKER BABES ASS -

MAN I GOTTA BANG MY NAIL INTO MY BABES CONTACT PATCH SOMETIME SOON OR IM GONNA HAVE BALLS BIGGER AND BLUER THAN THAT PLAYPEN IN MICKY Ds ON THE HIGH STREET THERE BY THE EAST COAST STATESIDE -

CONTACT PATCH by NAIL BANGER June 7, 2018

Pinch the loaf and wipe the counter! 

A phrase commonly screamed at people who are taking way too much time shitting.
"Pinch the loaf" - is where you pinch your turd off in mid-poop, to hurry.
"wipe the counter" - is where you wipe your ass with haste.

Person 1 has been sitting in the bathroom shitting for an hour.
Person 2: "Pinch the loaf and wipe the counter! We have got to get to the meeting!"
Person 1: "ALRIGHT GOD DAMNIT!"

Pinch the loaf and wipe the counter! by Mrs. Hankey June 5, 2010