Alaskan Hot Pocket
The glorious act in which one or more persons defecate into a condom, and while holding it from the open end, swings it in a circular motion to ensure that the fecal matter attains the maximum fill capacity of the condom. At this point, the condom containing the feces is placed in a freezer, and is to remain there until the stool filled condom is frozen solid¹. Once completely filled AND frozen, the condom is inserted directly into the vaginal/anal cavity, wasting no time from the point of removal from the freezer, ensuring sheer "Alaskan" authenticity. At this point, the homemade sex toy can be left in the cavity, or inserted and removed continuously, as one would with a dildo. This may take quite some time to prepare indeed, so pre-planning is a must. However, there is nothing preventing the reuse of the "hot pocket."
¹The mean freezing point of human excrement is 14°F, -10°C, 263.2 K
¹The mean freezing point of human excrement is 14°F, -10°C, 263.2 K
The Night Before:
- Gertrude: I'm feeling saucy, Lionel. What do you say we go for another Hot Carl this evening?
- Lionel: Well Gertrude, that, in addition to a Dirty Gas Pump shall suffice for this evening, but I am midway through finishing that Alaskan Hot Pocket I informed you of over tea this afternoon.
- Gertrude: Ah, yes. I've been thinking about that since the moment you told of such. Tell me dear, when do you believe it will be completed?
- Lionel: I presume by early in the morrow.
Evening of Use:
- Lionel: Dear, are you well ready for that nice, frozen treat.
- Gertrude: Tally-ho! Let's get to work.
**After many sounds of faint moaning, groaning, and pain, both Lionel and Gertrude emerge from the dark corner of the third floor study, only to return the Alaskan Hot Pocket to the freezer.**
- Gertrude: I'm feeling saucy, Lionel. What do you say we go for another Hot Carl this evening?
- Lionel: Well Gertrude, that, in addition to a Dirty Gas Pump shall suffice for this evening, but I am midway through finishing that Alaskan Hot Pocket I informed you of over tea this afternoon.
- Gertrude: Ah, yes. I've been thinking about that since the moment you told of such. Tell me dear, when do you believe it will be completed?
- Lionel: I presume by early in the morrow.
Evening of Use:
- Lionel: Dear, are you well ready for that nice, frozen treat.
- Gertrude: Tally-ho! Let's get to work.
**After many sounds of faint moaning, groaning, and pain, both Lionel and Gertrude emerge from the dark corner of the third floor study, only to return the Alaskan Hot Pocket to the freezer.**
Alaskan Hot Pocket by Sir. Nigel Spalding, Esq., IV September 29, 2008
