Colombia
place. Delightful land composed of a decidedly odd combination of foetid swamp and needlessly pointy mountains that, after a few millennia spent as a bottleneck for migratory aboriginal land speculators, became first a slave-state for predatory europeans and then a front for drug runners intent on destroying a much better country far to the north. A version of football is popular in the flatter bits of the country but a lack of centre backs with any sense of vision and a mandatory death sentence for keepers mishandling the ball has hampered Colombia’s progress on the international stage. Recent events in neighbouring Venezuela have prompted discussions amongst the top leaders centring on the feasibility of following the lead of the ancient wayfarers and moving the entire population and all their assets south into sparsely-settled Ecuador.
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