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A caffeine-powered computer whisperer who walks the line between genius and glitch. Damian “Long Shlong” Wood isn’t just a man—he’s a chaotic event wearing human skin. He speaks fluent binary, communes with frogs for wisdom, and believes any disaster can be solved if you just Megazord it.
Profile:
Tech Wizard: Fixes computers by glaring at them until the motherboard apologizes. Once coded a working game using only a keyboard missing the “E.”
Frog Lore Scholar: Claims frogs hold the Wi-Fi password of the universe—and somehow everyone believes him.
Megazord Philosopher: His life motto: “When it’s broken, just Megazord it.” Nobody knows what that means, yet it always works.
Professional Gooner: Operates on pure focus and unholy energy; rumored to have transcended sleep during a 72-hour code-and-Red Bull marathon.
Personality:
Chaotically evil in the most helpful way possible. He’ll repair your router, but it’ll play frog croaks on startup afterward. The man radiates the aura of an overclocked raccoon who discovered enlightenment and decided to major in IT.
Legacy:
Some say he was born when a lightning bolt struck a USB hub; others think he’s a firmware update that gained consciousness. Either way, Damian “Long Shlong” Wood remains a walking reminder that science, chaos, and frog memes can coexist.
A caffeine-powered computer whisperer who walks the line between genius and glitch. Damian “Long Shlong” Wood isn’t just a man—he’s a chaotic event wearing human skin. He speaks fluent binary, communes with frogs for wisdom, and believes any disaster can be solved if you just Megazord it.
Profile:
Tech Wizard: Fixes computers by glaring at them until the motherboard apologizes. Once coded a working game using only a keyboard missing the “E.”
Frog Lore Scholar: Claims frogs hold the Wi-Fi password of the universe—and somehow everyone believes him.
Megazord Philosopher: His life motto: “When it’s broken, just Megazord it.” Nobody knows what that means, yet it always works.
Professional Gooner: Operates on pure focus and unholy energy; rumored to have transcended sleep during a 72-hour code-and-Red Bull marathon.
Personality:
Chaotically evil in the most helpful way possible. He’ll repair your router, but it’ll play frog croaks on startup afterward. The man radiates the aura of an overclocked raccoon who discovered enlightenment and decided to major in IT.
Legacy:
Some say he was born when a lightning bolt struck a USB hub; others think he’s a firmware update that gained consciousness. Either way, Damian “Long Shlong” Wood remains a walking reminder that science, chaos, and frog memes can coexist.
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Working for the FBI
Sitting in a nest of bad men
Whiskey bottles piling high
Bootlegging boozer on the west side
Full of people who are doing wrong
Just about to call up the D.A. man
When I heard this woman singing a song
A pair of forty fives made me open my eyes
My temperature started to rise
She was a long cool woman in a black dress
Just a 5'9" beautiful 'n' tall
Just one look I was a bad mess
'Cause that long cool woman had it all
Working for the FBI
Sitting in a nest of bad men
Whiskey bottles piling high
Bootlegging boozer on the west side
Full of people who are doing wrong
Just about to call up the D.A. man
When I heard this woman singing a song
A pair of forty fives made me open my eyes
My temperature started to rise
She was a long cool woman in a black dress
Just a 5'9" beautiful 'n' tall
Just one look I was a bad mess
'Cause that long cool woman had it all
I saw her heading to the table
Well, a tall walking big black cat
Charlie said, I hope that you're able, boy
'Cause I'm telling you she knows where it's at
Well, suddenly we hear the sirens
And everybody started to run
Jumping under doors and tables
Well, I heard somebody shooting a gun
Well, the D.A. was pumping my left hand
She was holding my right
Well, I told her, don't get scared
'Cause you're gonna be spared
I've gotta be forgiven if I wanna spend my living
With a long cool woman in a black dress
Just a 5'9" beautiful 'n' tall
Well with just one look I was a bad mess
'Cause that long cool woman had it all
Had it all, had it all, had it all
Had it all, had it all, had it all (she had it all)
Well, a tall walking big black cat
Charlie said, I hope that you're able, boy
'Cause I'm telling you she knows where it's at
Well, suddenly we hear the sirens
And everybody started to run
Jumping under doors and tables
Well, I heard somebody shooting a gun
Well, the D.A. was pumping my left hand
She was holding my right
Well, I told her, don't get scared
'Cause you're gonna be spared
I've gotta be forgiven if I wanna spend my living
With a long cool woman in a black dress
Just a 5'9" beautiful 'n' tall
Well with just one look I was a bad mess
'Cause that long cool woman had it all
Had it all, had it all, had it all
Had it all, had it all, had it all (she had it all)
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