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hurtin' for certain 

Someone who is hurtin' or appears to be hurtin, for certain.
Devo, you look like shit man. Yeah, I had a rough one last night. Pounded 'er back all night dude, really. Yeah definitely hurtin' for certain. Ouuuuuu

I'm a 20-something Hispanic man who has uncontrollable lust for women who spend over 100 dollars on collecting waifus and hours and realized that he can't collect a certain waifu due to random number generator 

Translates to I'm Josie, and 100 dollars is an understatement.
I'm a 20-something Hispanic man who has uncontrollable lust for women who spend over 100 dollars on collecting waifus and hours and realized that he can't collect a certain waifu due to random number generator is something you wouldn't say on a first date.

curtains for you 

I'm going to knock you out; finish you; beat you up; slang term taken from the theatre term "curtain call"; end of show.
Just wait, it's going to be curtains for you!