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A legendary ruler who runs his kingdom like a perfectly dysfunctional command economy. Under King Tabingo’s reign, every citizen is required to follow his “Five-Year Plan,” which changes every five minutes. He controls all production, distribution, and even the national snack supply—usually to make sure he gets the biggest portion. Known for giving extremely dramatic speeches about efficiency while personally causing 90% of the inefficiency. Subjects fear his most powerful decree: “Because I said so.”
Despite the absolute rule, King Tabingo insists his leadership style is “collaborative,” meaning he collaborates with himself and then announces the decision to everyone else.
Despite the absolute rule, King Tabingo insists his leadership style is “collaborative,” meaning he collaborates with himself and then announces the decision to everyone else.
“Bro, our group project turned into a command economy the moment Tyler started acting like King Tabingo and assigning everyone jobs without asking.”
by zvlr December 5, 2025
Get the King Tabingo mug.A walking contradiction disguised as a person. Officially 18, pushing 21, and mentally stuck in a perpetual loading screen. Most commonly caught having his phone confiscated after playing mobile Fortnite at 1 a.m., despite repeated warnings, alarms, and acts of mercy. When confronted, will loudly and publicly insist: “I DON’T GOON”, usually in crowded Chick-fil-A locations where silence was previously present.
Zaylin once declared himself Poseidon after jumping through a single ocean wave, immediately throwing up, and yelling “I’M POSEIDON” as if this was a widely accepted origin story. Claims vegetarianism while ordering a pizza stacked with three different meats, then acts shocked when mixing Baja Blast, Jamba Juice, and poor life decisions results in vomiting.
Information must be strictly gatekept from Zaylin. Plans, jokes, context, and basic explanations cannot be trusted in his hands. Considered a special case who must regularly be reminded to keep thoughts in his noggin and pay a monthly fee (financial, emotional, or contractual) to remain in any group chat. Without supervision, Zaylin may derail conversations, misunderstand everything, and expose classified information within minutes, such as people getting traffic tickets, as he sees it as a way to distract someone so they don't realize he is gooning.
Zaylin once declared himself Poseidon after jumping through a single ocean wave, immediately throwing up, and yelling “I’M POSEIDON” as if this was a widely accepted origin story. Claims vegetarianism while ordering a pizza stacked with three different meats, then acts shocked when mixing Baja Blast, Jamba Juice, and poor life decisions results in vomiting.
Information must be strictly gatekept from Zaylin. Plans, jokes, context, and basic explanations cannot be trusted in his hands. Considered a special case who must regularly be reminded to keep thoughts in his noggin and pay a monthly fee (financial, emotional, or contractual) to remain in any group chat. Without supervision, Zaylin may derail conversations, misunderstand everything, and expose classified information within minutes, such as people getting traffic tickets, as he sees it as a way to distract someone so they don't realize he is gooning.
by zvlr December 15, 2025
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