lumpbag's definitions

Goofy Granny

A wrinkly old witch with enormous gnashers. This foul specimen is so physically repugnant that only a porky, boring security guard will have anything to do with it. Goofy and Porky walk around wearing shades, thinking they're young and trendy whereas really they're a pair of tedious pensioners addicted to garlic bread.

Is there anyone in the world ugly enough to go out with the Porky Scotcher?

Yep. Goofy Granny. She's one ugly bitch.

Excellent choice, sir. The two ugliest, most tedious individuals on Earth.

by Lumpbag May 29, 2009

Porky-Talkie

A walkie-talkie carried by fat security guards.

Hey look at the fat guy with the walkie-talkie!

I think you'll find that's a porky-talkie. They're especially for fat ugly security guards like Pork Scotch.

by lumpbag June 9, 2009

Hill biscuits

The vilest, sickliest and cheapest contents of a Snufbag. Officially classed as food but should never be consumed by humans. Ethiopians have been known to turn their noses up at these foul creations, choosing starvation instead.

Mickus: What's in this week's Snufbag?

Mum: A bag of crisps and 18 packets of Hill biscuits.

Mickus: OK, throw me the crisps and shove the shit down the bog where it belongs.

by Lumpbag April 26, 2009

Poor Theo

A miserable, ugly Greek bloke who works as a bouncer at a gay bar and constantly feels sorry for himself. He walks around the house saying "Oh dear!" over and over.

Poor Theo sounds really upset. What's wrong? Has his best friend died?

No, he's feeling suicidal because he overcooked his fried eggs.

Poor Theo!

by Lumpbag April 29, 2009

Pork Scotch pizza

The world's finest pizza topping. The pizza of choice of fat security guards it consists of a Marguerita pizza topped with pork and gravy.

Why is that security guard so fucking fat?

You'd be fat if you ate 3 Pork Scotch pizzas every day.

by Lumpbag May 4, 2009

Its called Snickers now, Lovey!

The flaming homosexual's response when someone says "I feel like I've run a marathon".

Exhausted person: I feel like I've run a marathon.

Shirtlifter: Its called Snickers now, Lovey!

by Lumpbag May 7, 2009

Pork Scotch Van

A clapped-out white van driven by miserable little security guards. These vehicles are filthy and frequently break down. The fat driver will often try to save a parking place for himself by putting a traffic cone in the road outside his house. This annoying practice is best dealt with by rescuing the cone from the fat guy's possession and installing it in the back of a Maltby lorry two streets away.

What do you call a toilet on wheels?

A Pork Scotch van.

by Lumpbag May 10, 2009