chris ord's definitions

knocking shop mattress

An effect of male pattern baldness,whereby the unfortunate male decides not to do the decent thing ie get the clippers out and grows the floundering folicles hoping to conceal the onset of nature by creative combing,suceeding only in an elaborate , threadbare shaping with a shiney(often sunburnt)beacon of scalp shining through for all to see.Resembling the aformentioned sex workers overused mattress.See Robin Gibb,Footballer Kenny Cunningham etc

See that Alan Shearer on Match of the Day,he's got a head like a knocking shop mattress,though his muscular pressence up front,will be sorely missed by Newcastle this season.

by chris ord August 31, 2006

lay some cable

To produce solid waste,often used to amuse workmates,or as an excuse when you are going for a number 3.

Out the way lads,Im going to strech my hoop and lay some cable

by chris ord August 31, 2006

stotts

Testicles,nuts,colloquial North East

Come here and Ill kick you in the Stotts

by Chris Ord August 31, 2006

log effect tile

Waterproof smear left by an untidy toilet user(usually on a virgin train)which starts below the rim and inexplicably continues and survives intact beneath the waterline.

Some ones fitted a log effect tile in that public conveience

by Chris Ord August 31, 2006

what fettle

A greeting , mainly used by older members of the community in North East Mining communities,latterly bastardised by younger members of the community to signify the achievement of the physical act of love,when such topics are discussed in a public house etc.

"I told her to get up stairs , pull her nighty up,and I gave her What Fettle"

by Chris Ord August 31, 2006

swamp sock

A stray sock often found beneath the bed of a teenage boy with a strangely stiffened texture used primarily as a recepticle for masturbatory ejaculate . Use has possibly increased due to current concerns for the environment as the item is reusable unlike tissues .

Mum - Johnny , I must try another brand of fabric condition as I had to boil wash the sock i found under your bed as it was so stiff !

Johnny - ...Erm...gumph!...swamp sock

by chris ord June 27, 2010

stott on

Errection,Hard on North East Colloquial

I cant sit down ,Ive got a right stott on

by Chris Ord August 31, 2006