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al benedict's definitions

implosive

Describes someone who reacts to criticism by becoming quiet and withdrawn. As opposed to explosive, which means that they "explode" into anger.

Usually introverts are implosive and extroverts are explosive, but neither of those are a rule.
Bob: You made a mistake over here.
Bill: (Silence)
Bob: Feeling implosive today, are we?
by Al Benedict June 15, 2011
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Hairless Ape

A member of the species Homo Sapiens, esp. when being discussed in a way that only makes sense in an anthropological context. Popularized by Howard the Duck.
You means buying flowers actually made it worse? Damn, Hairless Ape relationships are such a pain.
by Al Benedict October 2, 2008
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Ninja Proofing

Setting up your house to ward off long term ninja infestations. It's considered impossible to keep ninjas out entirely. In fact, attempting to do so can attract their attention and just make the problem worse.

1) Coat the walls and ceilings with steel backed teflon. If the steel isn't thick enough, they can still use their claws. Make sure it's at least a 1/4 inch thick.
2) Install random rotating magnets. This makes it difficult to throw shurikens accurately.
3) Set up a DVD of old "Kung Fu" reruns in infinite reply. Warning: This may cause Seppuku incidents, which are really messy. Take my word on it. Spread plastic in front of the TV.

Avoid using pirates. I know it's tempting, but they're worse than ninjas (really loud and smelly and treasure chests are hard to find).
Bob: Where were you last weekend?
Bill: Sorry, spent all day Saturday Ninja Proofing.
by Al Benedict December 3, 2010
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Scottish Food

Macdonalds food for when you want to avoid admitting you ate at Macdonalds.
Bob: What did you have for dinner?
Bill: Scottish food.
Bob: Sounds delicious. Haggis?
Bill: No. They have this dish where the put different round slices of a specially processed beef inside pieces of bread with an orangy, pinky sauce. Then they take potatoes and cut them up into long thin pieces and cook them in a specially prepared oil bath.
Bob: Sounds delicious! Invite me next time.
by Al Benedict July 29, 2013
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Showing card tricks to a dog

Trying to a explain something that's very complex to someone that doesn't understand the basic fundamentals the thing you are explaining is based on.
I tried to explain it to him, but he kept asking the same non sequitur questions over and over. I felt like I was showing card tricks to a dog.
by Al Benedict November 14, 2010
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Brown Bunny

1) A hard piece of shit that is starting to emerge from between your cheeks before you get to the toilet.

2) A notoriously bad, self indulgent film by Vincent Gallo.
Bob: (Bangs on stall door) "Hurry up! I've got a Brown Bunny here!"
Bill: "OK, OK" (Leaves stall)
Bob: "Thanks!" (Grabs cans of film and rushes in. Seconds later, a flushing sound is heard)
Bob: "Ahhh... That's much better." (Emerges with now empty film cans).
by Al Benedict August 18, 2009
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tauntbary

A music library (iTunes or otherwise) that's visible to your roommates or coworkers, but due to firewalls or DRM restrictions, contains nothing that can be played.
Bob: Bill just shared his iTunes library. Let's take a look.

Bob: Dammit. Another tauntbary.
by Al Benedict December 20, 2012
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