al benedict's definitions

Henny Youngman solution

Telling someone that the solution to a problem is to simply not do anything that exposes the flaw that causes the problem. From the old Henny Youngman joke: "Doctor, it hurts when I do this!" "Don't do that." Usually, but not always, associated with computers.

"The program crashes when I try to print!"
"Don't try to print."
"Do you have a real solution or just a Henny Youngman solution?"

by Al Benedict January 4, 2008

patriot bruise

A bruise that consists of an inner white circle (dead skin) surrounded by a blue ring (regular bruise) surrounded by a red ring (pissed off capillaries).

Red, white and blue. Get it?

A badge of honor in close contact, high velocity sports like Racquetball.

"I got a patriot bruise on my calf playing Ralph last weekend".
"Holy crap. So you did."

by Al Benedict October 18, 2020

misspelt

A shibboleth that people that believe that the English language should be static use to find each other.

Kind of like a secret fraternity handshake.

Q: "What is the correct way to say a word is not spelled properly?"

A: "Oh god. You're one of those 'misspelt' dumbasses, aren't you? Shoo! The thumbs down button is up and to the right."

by Al Benedict August 21, 2011

<yawn>

Internet speak for "Oh shit. I just lost the argument."

Bob: So that's why your argument makes no sense.
Bill: <yawn> Whatever, dude.
Bob: Victory is mine.

by Al Benedict June 23, 2012

Windows Moment

A 10-15 second period of total unresponsiveness encountered when using a PC running any version of Microsoft Windows. Traditionally occurs several times an hour. Just long enough to become disturbing and annoying, not long enough to inspire a reboot. Generally the mouse continues to move. When the moment ends, the user is usually left to deal with the consequences of the keys they struck in frustration while it was ongoing.

Sure, I'll pull that up right now. Ummm... Dammit, my computer's having a Windows Moment. Hang on.

by Al Benedict August 4, 2007

Scottish Food

Macdonalds food for when you want to avoid admitting you ate at Macdonalds.

Bob: What did you have for dinner?
Bill: Scottish food.
Bob: Sounds delicious. Haggis?
Bill: No. They have this dish where the put different round slices of a specially processed beef inside pieces of bread with an orangy, pinky sauce. Then they take potatoes and cut them up into long thin pieces and cook them in a specially prepared oil bath.
Bob: Sounds delicious! Invite me next time.

by Al Benedict July 29, 2013

Dimes will get you dollars

Glib way of saying "There is a high probability that..." It doesn't make too much sense if you think about the way gambling odds work, but I didn't create it; I just report it.

Dimes will get you dollars that his car will break down before he gets there.

Dimes will get you dollars that she doesn't really want to change jobs.

by Al Benedict June 30, 2021