Not to be confused with Hot Pocket.
A Hotpocket is a small, invasive species, closely resembling that of a bread-encrusted, cheese-filled delicacy.
I regret to inform the readers of this article that this is not the case. The Hotpocket is not a food, it is an alien species of which we know very little.
First I will start off by describing the anatomy of the Hotpocket. In one case, we dissected a specimen, and to our dismay, we found no headway in our research.
This is because the Hotpocket does not possess any of the internals we would expect. No digestive system, circulatory or otherwise.
Despite not having a reproductive system, they reproduce, despite not appearing to have reproductive organs. The offspring, as we would refer to them- Are pizza rolls.
Now, based on the fact that a Hotpocket doesn't possess a reproductive system, and in the well-known herds of twelve that they travel in, having spotted no difference between any of them, we have assumed that they are all one gender, and reproduce asexually.
It also appears that they have many offspring at once, supported by the fact that the Pizza Rolls outnumber Hotpockets by nearly tenfold. It is assumed that only a small number of Pizza Rolls survive to maturation.
They seem to thrive in only cold conditions, as if left out they go soft, a sure sign that it's died.
(Look for Part Two, couldn't fit all in character limit)
A Hotpocket is a small, invasive species, closely resembling that of a bread-encrusted, cheese-filled delicacy.
I regret to inform the readers of this article that this is not the case. The Hotpocket is not a food, it is an alien species of which we know very little.
First I will start off by describing the anatomy of the Hotpocket. In one case, we dissected a specimen, and to our dismay, we found no headway in our research.
This is because the Hotpocket does not possess any of the internals we would expect. No digestive system, circulatory or otherwise.
Despite not having a reproductive system, they reproduce, despite not appearing to have reproductive organs. The offspring, as we would refer to them- Are pizza rolls.
Now, based on the fact that a Hotpocket doesn't possess a reproductive system, and in the well-known herds of twelve that they travel in, having spotted no difference between any of them, we have assumed that they are all one gender, and reproduce asexually.
It also appears that they have many offspring at once, supported by the fact that the Pizza Rolls outnumber Hotpockets by nearly tenfold. It is assumed that only a small number of Pizza Rolls survive to maturation.
They seem to thrive in only cold conditions, as if left out they go soft, a sure sign that it's died.
(Look for Part Two, couldn't fit all in character limit)
- Above is an except from the Catalogue of Earth-Invasive Species (On the subject of Hotpockets), by an anonymous author
by Zombiman August 11, 2025
Get the Hotpocketmug. 
A continuation of the first part of the excerpt.
The Hotpockets seem to be capable of intelligent thought, and have a complicated culture much akin to our own- With some of their tales and stories mirroring ones that we have as humans. A prime example of one of those stories is the classic Hotpocket fable, Pocket and the Stromboli, a near identical story to our David and Goliath.
The Hotpockets seem to be capable of intelligent thought, and have a complicated culture much akin to our own- With some of their tales and stories mirroring ones that we have as humans. A prime example of one of those stories is the classic Hotpocket fable, Pocket and the Stromboli, a near identical story to our David and Goliath.
by Zombiman August 11, 2025
Get the Hotpocket (Part Two)mug.