QuacksO's definitions

Miss Punnymany

Da super-helpful-and-dedicated secretary of da great stand-up comedian Bames Johnned; she often sits off-stage with a two-way earpiece-radio to maintain constant communication with him, and quietly makes joke-suggestions to Mr. Johnned if he is occasionally is at a loss for words.

Bames Johnned: Good evening, Folks, and thank you so much for coming; you all look absolutely fabulous from here! A funny thing happened on my drive over here tonight --- I saw a whole flock of wild geese in the grassy median of the freeway, and they were all making a huge commotion over something they'd found on the ground. Dunno why they were being so noisy about it, though; I guess that they just --- ummmm..."
Miss Punnymany: "How 'bout, 'they just enjoy honking their own horns', Sir?"
Bames Johnned: "Yes --- they just enjoy honking their own horns! Thanks, Miss Punnymany --- how would I ever manage without you?"

by QuacksO November 5, 2018

whiz 2 whiz

A.k.a. "zip 2 unzip"; a humorous way of referring to the act of dashing off into da woods for a moment to urinate.

It was a really hot day, and so I brought plenty of drinking-water with me when Tiffany and I went out for a relaxing stroll on a quiet country lane; da only prob was dat my internal workin's didn't seem to know enough to "hold onto da refreshing moisture" instead of just "dumping" it, and so I hadda whiz 2 whiz every fifteen minutes!

by QuacksO November 5, 2018

whiz-race

The impromptu "time-contest" that you are forced to wage with an approaching vehicle when you step off da sidewalk to pee and there is little concealing "cover"; you therefore have to actively "hurry your bladder" in a desperate effort to "drain yer radiator" quickly enough to "beat da clock" --- i.e., to finish "whizzing" and get your pants zipped back up before the "whizzing" car gets close enough for its occupants to catch sight of you wif yer tallywacker out.

I try to always choose a thickly-vegetated spot in which to take a leak when I'm out walking along country lanes, but occasionally there is such a lengthy stretch of sparse bush-growth that I am unable to "hold it" long enough to eventually reach denser roadside-foliage; I therefore have to "hold a whiz-race" if I hear one or more vehicles approaching in the distance.

by QuacksO November 5, 2018

billboard

A huge roadside-sign advertising assorted products/services dat are usually grossly overpriced and/or are seldom of any interest to you; about all it does is distract you from concentrating on da road properly, and give you higher credit-card "bills" if you actually partake of any of said profferings.

Besides filling your head wif useless crapola-thoughts and possibly creating a drain on your finances, billboards --- especially da "modern-technology-equipped" signs wif blindingly-bright and/or colorful/moving lights --- are also very dangerous to driving-safety, for da following reasons:
(1) Da signs distract you from concentrating on da road and surrounding traffic, especially if they are flashing super-brilliant colors directly in your eyes.
(2) Da signs can cause you to unconsciously go into "sign-ignoring mode" as a matter of "survival" against distraction/blinding, which tends to make you also not notice or pay little heed to traffic-rule/advisory signs dat you’re required by law to read; it's sorta like da "fake Amber Alert" messages (think, da infamous/voluminous "Ashley Flores" notices) dat tragically cause some viewers to impatiently ignore genuine missing-child notices, contemptuously assuming dat all da notices they see are now just fakes. Da ad-signs can also cause you to miss your lane-changes and/or exits, especially if there are brightly-lit boards right near your desired turn-offs which temporarily blind you and thus make it harder for you to make out da exit-signs.
(3) Other drivers in da surrounding lanes may be trying to read da billboards, as well, and so their resulting distraction can cause dem to drift out of their lanes, slam on da brakes to get a better look at da signs, etc., potentially causing you to collide wif dem, or dem to crash into you.

by QuacksO November 5, 2018

chocolate-milk alternative

Refers to a "just as bad or worse" substitution-product/activity employed to supposedly "fill the void" created by a discontinued unhealthy habit --- the idea here is that while the milk itself may indeed be low-fat, the added calorie-rich and sugary-sweet chocolate has far more fattening ingredients than just the cream in full-fat milk could possibly have contained, and so the person will likely gain even more weight than ever.

Three classic --- and very tragic --- examples of a "chocolate-milk alternative" would be a substance-abuse recovery-program's giving a dry-drunk lots of high-sugar foods in place of alcohol, someone's switching to compulsive shopping in place of gambling, or a person's becoming harshly-snappy and irritably-demanding after giving up cigarettes.

by QuacksO November 5, 2018

hurricane hoarder

Someone who justifies cramming his home full of stuff by saying that it protects his home by weighing it down too much to be blown away in high winds.

Red Green gives humorous lectures about why men like to obtain/save stuff that they never use, but he never mentions the hurricane hoarder as another type of dude who possesses a valid-sounding reason for not re-evaluating. Maybe I should suggest that idea to him.

by QuacksO November 5, 2018

petty officer

A policeman who is tasked with handling minor offenses like having a "loud" party or swiping a candy bar.

Inspector Clouseau is such a bungling jackass at performing regular crime-fighting that it's a wonder his precinct hasn't demoted him to petty officer by this time.

by QuacksO November 6, 2018