Definitions by Monkey's Dad

gratchooity 

A tip so small it is in fact something to sneeze at.

He figured their server - "My name is Jason and I'll be taking care of you this evening" - having spilled water all over the table, and their laps, having left chunks of cork in their wine, having believed that 'medium-well' and 'medium rare' were indistinguishable and trying to persuade them of same, and having asked, "You two really a couple? ... Hot chick like this actually went out with you???" before turning to her and asking what she was doing next weekend, and lastly, sneezing on their desserts... deserved an appropriate tip, he calculated Jason's gratchooity, rounding it down to the closest dime.

gratchooity by Monkey's Dad December 1, 2022

How To Be Nice 

Day one: Bring her coffee in bed, in a personalized pink mug. She will think you show potential.
Day two: C'mon man, we gave you day one. The rest is up to you.

He knew it was one of those "If you need to ask" things. But still, being clueless, he entered "How To Be Nice" and held his breath.

How To Be Nice by Monkey's Dad November 30, 2022

HM

Her Majesty / High Maintenance. "Allow me to inform your uppity blonde self that we ain't even got no damn grapefruit juice to splash in your damn Sex on the Beach and same applies to whatever your pet monkey drinkin' too."

"What would HM request we place before her refined palate this morning? Hmm?"

HM by Monkey's Dad November 23, 2022

mlpitb 

"My Little Puddle in the Bed": When texted, an intimate erotic endearment, eclipsing the historic 'Ma Petite Chou-Fleur", (my little cauliflower,) and leaving the fabled Frenchman distinctly in second place

"Who's mlpitb?" he asked.
With trembling fingers, she barely replied "I'm ylpitb"

mlpitb by Monkey's Dad November 21, 2022

fie 

"feeling it everywhere" - a gently intimate way of letting someone know they have gotten you aroused.

'missing your tongue, counting the minutes' she texted him.
He replied, 'fie', and he was.

fie by Monkey's Dad November 5, 2022

A Head of Esteem 

In facing a challenging goal, the confidence that you are good enough to do it.

She'd give it a shot, but first she needed to work up a head of esteem.

A Head of Esteem by Monkey's Dad October 5, 2022

Psychitis

A variant of psychosis. An episode of psychic inflammation. A brief if intense appearance of being totally off-the-wall psychotic.

His face reddened, his eyes and neck tendons bulging, he screamed into her astonished face, "Don't call me psychotic! Because that makes me crazy. I'm just psychitic! It's psychitis! Look it up in Urban Dictionary!"

Psychitis by Monkey's Dad September 23, 2022