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14 definitions by hipster_of_the_month

 
1.
Refers to the wonderfully smooth and buoyant feeling that a male experiences when he is having sexual intercourse with a larger woman. ("Larger" refers to body shape: full-figured, curvy, chubby, or fat. In general, it does not refer to height, although women with "extra junks in their trunks" can often be as tall as, or taller than, the males trying to bone them. These women often have heavy full breasts, squishy tummies, generous buttocks, and thick thighs, all of which provide padding for the male's frenzied thrusts.)
"That broad that Jim is talking to over at the bar is at least three times his weight. Each of her mammary glands weighs more than both his legs. What's his deal?"

"His wife's pelvis bone keeps giving him rope burn when they shag. So he's out to find more cushion for the pushin'."
by hipster_of_the_month November 30, 2012
 
2.
Hipsters are a 21st Century subculture that, in an attempt to reject having a uniform style of dress or artistic taste, has developed a uniform style of dress and artistic taste. Hipsters wear sunglasses in winter and checked shirts and scarves all year round, and short shorts (regardless of whether the hipster is male or female). Hipsters wear Toms shoes and have multiple tattoos. Sometimes hipsters wear waistcoats. Hipsters often smoke, even though they are also proud of being well educated and live healthy, green lifestyles. Hipsters drink locally-brewed beer in cans.

Hipsters often speak about esoteric musical bands from decades past, or bands from small towns few have heard of, but which are now based in Greenwich Village. When other hipsters (or worse, members of the general public) have heard of these bands, hipsters feel great frustration. Skilled hipsters mask this frustration by instead denouncing the band, explaining, "I was just trying to talk about a band you probably had heard of, because I am a really inclusive person, and I didn't want anyone to feel left out."

Hipsters often feel they are the best adjudicators of art, including films, music, literature and poetry, and visual art. The average hipster has read 2000 more novels than the nearest hipster in the cafe he or she is doing nothing in.

Hipsters often have no fixed income, yet they have all of the latest technology, most of which have a white apple symbol.
"Do you see that guy with the designer stubble, the tie-scarf combo, the coke bottle glasses, the skin-tight jeans, the leather boots, a tattoo on his arm that says 'RAMONES', and that walkman that probably doesn't even have batteries in it?"

"Sure do. Why does he have so much swag?"

"Because he's a hipster."

"I see. Makes sense."
by hipster_of_the_month November 28, 2012
 
3.
A form of fully-clothed sexual intercourse, usually practiced by hipsters, who prefer it because it allows them to leave their ultra-tight jeans on during the act. (The process of removing the jeans may take several hours to complete, by which time the need or desire for sex could be dissipated.)
"What are those two people doing? It looks like they're writhing around on top of a copy of Pitchfork magazine, interlocked but fully-clothed."

"It's just hipster sex. Leave them to it."
by hipster_of_the_month November 29, 2012
 
4.
A time-capsule, buried in the 1960s and recently unearthed on the southern shore of Lake Ontario.
Archaeologist #1: "We opened up that city-sized time capsule that we found on the shore earlier this week."

Archaeologist #2: "High five. What was in it?"

Archaeologist #1: "Lots and lots and lots and lots of people with plaid shirts, super-tight jeans, thick-rimmed glasses, and bow ties, all listening to grating three-chord music. 1960s stuff, basically."

Archaeologist #2: "Ohhhhh. That's Toronto you found. It was probably just buried in snow. Not a time capsule. And those 1960s relics are just hipsters."

Archaeologist #1: "Shit. My bad."
by hipster_of_the_month November 30, 2012
 
5.
A beverage consumed primarily by hipsters. It consists of the hand-squeezed breast milk of organic, free-range, grain-fed soya beans. Hipster milk is free of all preservatives, artificial flavours, artificial colors, and pretense. Hipster milk is certified green. Soya beans are not harmed in the production of hipster milk.
"Hipster milk on sale this week: $6 / 1L eco-carton."
by hipster_of_the_month February 06, 2013
 
6.
Hipster mathematics, sometimes shortened to "hipster math", is a type of mathematics inherent to the lifestyle of hipsters. Hipster math does not follow the rules of the classical mathematics established by trained mathematicians and taught in schools. In this sense, hipster math is a form of "experimental" or "quantum" mathematics.

For example, it is well understood in classical mathematics that if a bank account contains a finite amount of funds, then the combination of having no fixed income with repeatedly withdrawing money from said bank account to finance lattes, flat whites, tighter and tighter jeans, Tom's shoes, outrageous sunglasses, the latest iPhone, ironic cigarettes, and obscure art magazines will eventually produce a zero or even negative balance. However, even hipsters with absolutely no income whatsoever (i.e. hipsters without even a token job at a video rental shop or as a barista) are able to continually and indefinitely finance such frivolities. Another interesting aspect of hipster math is that whenever you think you have counted all the hipsters in an urban park, there are always at least three or four more lurking about that somehow escaped the count, despite the fact that they are strumming guitars and singing loudly and are clearly visible in vibrant hipster uniforms.
"Dude, I think I have seen the same hipster going into that gentrified greasy spoon every night to chow down on a grilled cheese + lobster sandwich, crinkle-cut sweet potato fries, and an ethically-sourced lingonberry milkshake while listening to The Kooks in his Beats headphones and simultaneously scanning Pitchfork and a Henry James novel. He follows it all up with a latte macchiato and four or five Peruvian-chocolate-topped sheeps' butter biscotti. How is he losing weight instead of gaining it?"

"Don't worry about it, man. It's just hipster math."
by hipster_of_the_month May 07, 2013
 
7.
A hipstermobile is a form of ironic transportation, used primarily to transport two people -- usually a hipster and his or her iPhone -- between various locales or events that the hipster deems to be important. It is a type of bicycle, specifically of a single speed with fixed gears, also known as a "fixie". Often, the bicycle chassis is painted over with a single solid color using spray paint. This eliminates the brand name from the bicycle, which might otherwise clash with the hispter's "local is better" ethos, and also because the spray paint amplifies the hipster's urban-chic identity.

The hipster sits on a banana seat closer to the rear wheel of the hipstermobile while the iPhone sits on the handlebar in a specially-designed mount, available through Amazon.com. Whilst pedalling the hipstermobile, the hipster will issue voice commands to the iPhone. Typical commands include:

"Take a photo of this ironic building and post it to my Tumblr."
"Use Wikipedia to find a virtually unknown folk band from circa 1982 and then Tweet it to everyone who follows me."
"Is there a free BYOB arts & crafts festival in a two-mile radius of my current location?"
"Go into my draft folder and send that plea for more money to my parents."

Hipstermobiles are often spotted near cafes and post-gentrification diners, near arts & crafts festivals, and in parks during normal peoples' working hours.
Dude, I just saw a grown man sitting on the curb crying. He looked to be cradling an iPhone that had fallen to its death from the handlebar of his hipstermobile. He couldn't even update his status to tell anyone about what had happened!
by hipster_of_the_month May 06, 2013