Fearman's definitions

Tom Cruise

I'm in love (yippee!!!) and I hate psychiatrists (fucking nut jobs, all of them, ALL OF THEM), who are out to control the world (trembles for a few moments) and drop hydrogen bombs on everybody (BIG ones, yeahhh). Hey, have you seen my girlfriend? (BOINNNGGG!!) I'm wild! You're cool, too! (Pulls hair out, laughs.) No, seriously? Oh. (Grows sullen.) Oh. (Grows REALLY sullen.) Oh. Why would you want to do that to me? No, seriously, why would you want to do that to me? Why? Why? Why would you want to do that to me? (Jumps up on couch, pulls dramatic stance, couch falls backward, he crawls up to kneel on the front of the seat.) They've hated me ever since I played a veteran of the Great Galactic War between the Thetans and the Engrammatised Ones. (Goes boggle-eyed, cackles, shrieks ...,) We're all going to be bigger than Oprah! (YAY!) And it makes me sick, you know that? Why isn't everyone looking at me RIGHT NOW? And you know what? I'm NOT GAY!!! Mimi! Ha! Nicole! Ha! Penelope! Ha! Katie, aww, KATIIEEE!!! Ha-haaaaaaaaaaaa! Here, I can lick my own balls, seriously. Just watch me ... (Licks own balls, audience stampede out of the auditorium.)

The above was a party political broadcast on behalf of Tom Cruise.

by Fearman April 16, 2008

couch gag

The joke towards the end of the opening credits to The Simpsons. Each week (or most weeks) something different happens when the family rush into the living room to watch the TV.

Various examples of the Couch Gag: the couch turns into a monster that swallows the family once they sit on it ... the end wall with the couch retreats down an increasingly long tunnel and they keep chasing after it ... Santa's Little Helper (their dog) is already sitting on the couch and snarls, hair bristling, as they close in ... the family crash into each other and break into little pieces on the floor with a noise like shattering porcelain.

by Fearman August 14, 2007

landlord's contract

A written contract that is supposed to make a transaction look above board and official, and to suggest that the buyer has a degree of comeback, but which the party offering the document can ignore at will. As they say, it's not worth the paper it's printed on.

Dickie O'Kelly presented his tenants with the landlord's contract in connection with the quality of their accommodation, and then disappeared to South Africa with their money.

by Fearman August 10, 2007

Elliott Carver

Played by Jonathan Pryce in Tomorrow Never Dies (1997). Newspaper magnate who likes to make his own stories. Had his wife murdered for colluding with 007 (and thoughtfully put her in his news bulletin). Prepared to risk WW3 in order to secure his market in China. Made the film. The only truly frightening Bond villain in the franchise's history.

Elliott Carver (on Bond's mobile in Hamburg): You have two things belonging to me, Mr. Bond. Now I've found one of them, I've a fair idea where the other one is.

(He is referring to his satellite decoder and his wife. Bond floors the accelerator back to the hotel ...,)

by Fearman August 4, 2007

Frankenphobia

Morbid irrational fear of biotechnology and/or its products. Endlessly incited by born-again hippie fundamentalists, who would prefer us all to live like Freddie Flintstone. From Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (an endlessly quoted popular reference) and the suffix -phobia.

Morning Flower is spreading her Frankenphobia around again, telling everyone genetically modified tomatoes are bad for their children.

When are these very very trendy people going to accept that Frankenphobia is soooooo yesterday?

by Fearman January 6, 2008

Silver Shamrock

Fictitious mask company in the third instalment in the Hallowe'en franchise, "Season of the Witch" (the one without Mr. Myers). The masks are the colours of the Irish national flag (orange Jack-O-Lantern, white skull, green witch), and are made by a company in a weird all-Oirish town on the coast of California. On activation by a signal on the big night, the masks transform their (numerous) wearers' heads into so many divers creepy-crawlies. The Silver Shamrock company wins the booby prize for the most irritating television jingle ever inflicted on the world in fact or fiction; a countdown to the tune of "London Bridge is Falling Down", starting "(x) days to Hallowe'en, Hallowe'en, Hallowe'en". I had it in my head for WEEKS. The head of the company is played by an actor from Wexford, Ireland, and incidentally as far as I can tell is the only figure in the history of American horror films to pronounce Samhain correctly.

Four days left to Hallowe'en,
Hallowe'en, Hallowe'en,
Four more days to Hallowe'en,
Silver Shamrock!

by Fearman February 10, 2008

Pierce Brosnan

Attractive but bland Irish actor. From Navan, County Meath. Played James Bond in four movies. Looked perfect in the posters, don't know about the movies; he was a kind of generic Bond without much bite. The first one was a good enough revamp in its way. The second was made by its villain (who, uniquely among Bond baddies, was genuinely scary) into possibly the cream of the franchise. As for the latter two ... what happened?

The name's Brosnan. Pierce Brosnan. Now, where did I leave my personality?

by Fearman August 4, 2007