The process by which, over the course of several years, a distinguished gentleman collects a substantial amount of knobcheese and forms it into a disc weighing several pounds. This must then be entered as the rolling cheese in the Gloucestershire cheese rolling competition, which is particularly difficult considering that it has been made by the same woman since 1988. To overcome this, one may either stealthily switch the cow-cheese with the man-cheese at any point in the process or convince the woman by sob story that the cheese was made by your dying mother who only ever wanted to see it rolled downhill or something, preferably using a starved puppy as a visual aid. Unbeknownst to anyone involved, however, one will have carved a hole in the cheese just wider than the diameter of your dick, hidden under the paper ribbons that wrap it. This is because you will, at the point it is thrown down hill, burst out from the crowds at the bottom and attempt to catch it on your dick, which should burst through the ribbons like a triumphant Olympic athlete, before you are then crushed by the waves of tumbling shire-folk.
‘A great race this year in which everyone died and finally someone got his dick out’ – The Gloucester Citizen
‘The Gloucestershire Ringtoss has finally been completed. The process has begun. Humankind’s dusk approacheth.’ – Mysterious man in cloak from The Royal Society of Go Away
The bizarre act seen in many porn films whereby a distinguished gentleman or gracious lady with strap-on, grips the base of the phallus and lightly taps it upon the meaty buttock-flesh of a partner presenting themselves by resting on the knees and hands (or elbows (...or face)). The most likely explanation for this phenomenon was offered by Professor Archibald Knobblyknackers of Christ College, Oxford, who theorised that the action was originally designed to test the hollowness of the awaiting bung-hole after the disastrous attempt by a disoriented Ron Jeremy to sodomise a helpless-yet-impenetrable Venus De Milo prop, which resulted in an imploded bellend and the brief resurrection of Michelangelo Batio for vengeance, who was given licence to murder twelve pigeons after a hazardous filing error and accidental double-lifing on account of the fact he wasn’t dead in the first place. Thus, dick tamping was subsequently invented as a safety precaution to ensure adequate space for a ram-passage, or to check for cockroaches or something.
‘Always precede any acts of quadrapedal intercourse with thorough dick tamping. If you are not sure whether it is safe to proceed, do not risk entry under any circumstances and contact your appointed fire official, where the offending buttocks will be taken away to be incinerated’ – the Porn Safety Handbook
An act wherein a distinguished gentleman inserts a solitary ball into any anus available to him so that upon removable, the ball looks like it is covered in toffee. This is improved vastly by the owner of the anus reciprocal should he or she eat only toffee for a week.
Supped he verily upon that most marvellous of treats, the Somerset Toffee Apple, whilst looking over his blossoming orchard that was being gently fingered by the divine rays of a retiring Helios. - Dante
September 25, 2011
Euphemism for ejaculation.
Man 1: My dong sneezed in her face last night.
Man 2: Nice
The endeavour to lean out of one’s car window whilst driving on a road with at least two lanes and with willy unsheathed to insert said willy into the open window of other cars travelling in the same direction (this latter part is important lest one expects to receive a brutal dicklashing).
‘Deftly, Turpin lowered himself to Black Bess’s side, her muscles writhing powerfully under his soles as she galloped as a shadow in the fog, drawing ever closer to the magistrate’s coach. With one hand still clinging to his steed, he lowered his britches in preparation for the impending Birmingham Saddleshank.
The magistrate could hear the crescendo of galloping behind him rising with his nervous heartbeat, until thrust through his window was the most foul of phalluses accompanied by the scream of his coachman and the growl of Hell’s own brimstone: “Magistrate, your money or your wig all pissed on.”’ – Black Bess; or, The Knight of the Road by William Harrison Ainsworth
The gonadular jiggle permitted by a spacious pant.
Christopher Lee, wearing a skirt, stoically allowed himself a defiant Ballroom Dance in the face of oncoming traffic.
The insanely unrealistic twisting two homosexual men would have to do to in order that they would each be simultaneously penetrating the other. In the ass.
‘Darth Vader looked at the drop of sweat rolling down Möbius’s back, over the taint and on to the top of his face, which finally fell sensuously off his nose and into his mouth. From the single twist of Möbius’s sinewy back and the way he was giving himself head, Darth knew he was in for a treat of hyperspatial Brighton Yoga.’ – Probably some fanfiction somewhere.