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Small city on Vancouver Island that gets a bad rap for it's "crime" but is mostly just full of natives on welfare who are looking for their next hit. Port alberni only has a handful of criminals, the others are just drug users. The city itself has diversity when it comes to its inhabitants and is mainly made up of friendly drunk natives, homeless meth heads with dogs, white racist rednecks, brown business owners, and old white people.
Guy 1: "Hey man, I'm in Port Alberni right now and this guy is walking up to me, he looks really fuckin sketchy"
Guy 2: "Just walk in the opposite direction or something"
Guy 1: "Oh.. nevermind.. he was just asking for a cigarette"
by pinkbook May 22, 2017
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a small town on Vancouver island. The Alberni valley is a great place for anyone who likes the outdoors. pretty much if your a looser who sits at home ports not the place for you.

For anyone else this place is a playground for quads, trucks, and boats.
wares all those fags who hate Port Alberni?

their probably at home faping to gay porn since their poor as fuck
by beaver taco February 17, 2011
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A depressed little city, constantly being financially hit because of it's dependency on a resource based economy. Many inhabitants (especially political figures, both past and present) have their heads buried so far up their asses, it's a wonder that any daylight ever reaches their eyes. A nice place to visit, but be damned glad if you can leave. This city is infested with lazy welfare sucking river chimps (see definition in Urban Dictionary)
I lived in Port Alberni once, but got the fuck out as soon as I realized it was going nowhere, and that the river chimp population was increasing at too great a rate.
by me not you September 09, 2005
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***Non racist definition****
A small forest industry dependent town on Vancouver island. Full of welfare bums, drunks, gold diggers and goat fucking hicks. The people who do live there that have any form of alternative mentality that doesn't involve church, welfare checks, beer, or logging are bored completely out of their skulls. most of these people have been duped into living there somehow and have had so much of their livelihood sucked out of their skulls that escape is now impossible. the suicide rate is directly proportionate to the unemployment rate, which is directly proportionate the average between the illiteracy and drug/alcohol dependency rates.
Ron moved to Port Alberni. He has shot himself because of the massive amount of debt incurred from living there.
by lostbrain May 06, 2008
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A bumbling little hick town full of evolutionary throwbacks of all creeds and cultures, the only place in the world to develop the H (Hillbilly) chromosome through a combination of constant inbreeding and the fallout that blew in from the chernobyl accident. These H chromosome victims get together in contrived little groups and gossip and talk about subjects totally devoid of any meaning or sense, they just like to vibrate their vocal chords. The are smells like human waste due to their inability and lack of consideration to treat their own sewage, the bumbling yokels would prefer to "sleep where they shit" like pigs. Infested with crackheads, gold diggers, white trash and every other color of trash under the sun, it is a disgusting little pock mark on the planet. It simultaneously burning to the ground and sinking into the ocean would only beautify the surrounding nature, the only tragedy is there would be no more clam bucket, that place is the only place that makes a decent burger.
"Port alberni? Isn't that just another word for incestuous anal rape??"
by giggidygiggidybitches May 05, 2009
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The birth place of Tenis and everything beautiful in the world. Contrary to popular belief Port Alberni is nice, suck on that you Port hating cunt sucking pussy licking t-bag taking trogladites who have nothing better to do then diss Port instead of getting off your lazy asses and doing something with your lives you phat pieces of vagina rot.
I had an awesome day in Port Alberni today, the sun was shining and I got a super wet blow job from a hot tourist passing through. She also had sex with my big dick, in Port Alberni, yeah Port Alberni super great place, better than Ukee or Tofino.
by Mike Hunt-Hurt August 21, 2009
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