Congratuhate with a back-handed compliment, "Oh I love how you got your hair done! It reminds me of a look my grandma used to sport..." or "You have beautiful legs, they look just like my mom's legs..." "You're handsome, but have you ever thought of doing some push-ups?" "You look like this handsome actor from a movie, you know, like the guy who plays the caveman on the insurance commercials?"

I am so thrilled that Joan finally landed a new boyfriend, even though he is my ex. I can't wait to congratuhate her in person, preferably in a crowded bar. I hope she is wearing the fat dress.