The product of one god, Phil swift himself
He has rained down on us the perfect bondage for leaks
The ultimate repair for literal anything
He saws a boat in half and fixes it with only one of his great marks left flex tape
He has rained down on us the perfect bondage for leaks
The ultimate repair for literal anything
He saws a boat in half and fixes it with only one of his great marks left flex tape
“To show you the power of flex tape I SAWED THIS BOAT IN HALF and repaired it with only flex tape!”-the god himself
by MoLeStMaN December 5, 2018
Get the Flex tape mug.Flex Officer (noun):
An elite-tier desk goblin who lives rent-free under the Captain’s desk, occasionally surfacing to breathe through their nose holes and remind everyone that “they’re special.” Born from the unholy union of nepotism and weaponized whining, the Flex Officer is the workplace equivalent of a trust fund baby who thinks mopping is a hate crime.
They don’t work at the jail — they grace it with their presence.
They don’t get mandated — they get massaged.
Their radio isn’t even connected — it’s just Bluetooth synced to Spotify where they’ve got a playlist titled “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss.”
Key Attributes:
• Can hold their breath under a desk for 2 hours straight if Daddy Captain is rubbing their back and whispering, “You’re my little soldier.”
• Cries “unfair!” with the power of a soap opera widow anytime someone asks them to… do their actual job.
• Works half a shift, takes a full lunch, and still needs a mental health day from the trauma of watching other people do things.
Hierarchy of Enablers:
• Daddy Captain: Wears khakis so tight you can hear his thighs beg for help. Bends rules like he bends over to scratch the Flex Officer’s belly.
• Mommie Lieutenant: Pretends to discipline but calls them “my baby” when no one’s looking.
• Uncle Lou: Definitely has something sketchy going on!
Fun Fact:
The Flex Officer once got an award for “Most Improved” after showing up to roll call on time… once… in 2019.
An elite-tier desk goblin who lives rent-free under the Captain’s desk, occasionally surfacing to breathe through their nose holes and remind everyone that “they’re special.” Born from the unholy union of nepotism and weaponized whining, the Flex Officer is the workplace equivalent of a trust fund baby who thinks mopping is a hate crime.
They don’t work at the jail — they grace it with their presence.
They don’t get mandated — they get massaged.
Their radio isn’t even connected — it’s just Bluetooth synced to Spotify where they’ve got a playlist titled “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss.”
Key Attributes:
• Can hold their breath under a desk for 2 hours straight if Daddy Captain is rubbing their back and whispering, “You’re my little soldier.”
• Cries “unfair!” with the power of a soap opera widow anytime someone asks them to… do their actual job.
• Works half a shift, takes a full lunch, and still needs a mental health day from the trauma of watching other people do things.
Hierarchy of Enablers:
• Daddy Captain: Wears khakis so tight you can hear his thighs beg for help. Bends rules like he bends over to scratch the Flex Officer’s belly.
• Mommie Lieutenant: Pretends to discipline but calls them “my baby” when no one’s looking.
• Uncle Lou: Definitely has something sketchy going on!
Fun Fact:
The Flex Officer once got an award for “Most Improved” after showing up to roll call on time… once… in 2019.
You: “Why the hell am I getting mandated again?”
• Sergeant: “Flex Officer said he has emotional allergies to night shift, so Daddy wrote him a note and gave him a juice box.”
• You: aggressively Googling ‘how to fake your own death with minimal paperwork’
• Sergeant: “Flex Officer said he has emotional allergies to night shift, so Daddy wrote him a note and gave him a juice box.”
• You: aggressively Googling ‘how to fake your own death with minimal paperwork’
by BigDaddyBear53 July 4, 2025
Get the Flex Officer mug.by Ahliefam May 9, 2022
Get the Dunno flex mug.December 26th is flex day. Show off all of your expensive items to your friends. You can also flex with the new items you got at Christmas.
"Billy it's December 26th which means it's flex day, I bet you don't have the iPhone 11 Pro Max."
Billy answered while holding back tears, "you're right Joe, I don't."
Billy replied, "wait, who's Joe?"
Billy answered while holding back tears, "you're right Joe, I don't."
Billy replied, "wait, who's Joe?"
by Andy Andy October 27, 2019
Get the Flex Day mug.by LendAhandtoLELCat September 13, 2022
Get the flex mug.It is when you underestimate something you did, which is really challenging to others as if it was nothing so that you sound like you are modest and don't want to flex, but in reality, you are just flexing implicitly.
-So I forgot the formula during that test, but I derived it quickly by neglecting the value of "such and such" and canceling "term" with "term" to derive the formula in a not-very neat fashion XD, gosh I'm so stupid!
-Bro, stop anti-flexing.
-I was getting bored lately with the Java syntax so I made my own programming language, it is a stupid language tbh.
-ngl that was a good anti-flex.
-Bro, stop anti-flexing.
-I was getting bored lately with the Java syntax so I made my own programming language, it is a stupid language tbh.
-ngl that was a good anti-flex.
by primitiveMind May 9, 2023
Get the Anti-flex mug.by WORD123456789WORD February 22, 2022
Get the strong flex tape mug.