Metaphysical Technologies

The tools and gadgets designed to interact with or measure the non-physical realm, ranging from ancient dowsing rods to modern "quantum resonance" devices that look like they were stolen from a low-budget sci-fi set. This includes pendulums for yes/no questions (accuracy rate: slightly better than a coin flip), EMF meters for ghost hunting (which also detect microwaves), and apps that claim to photograph your aura (they just blur the photo and add colors). The most reliable metaphysical technology remains a strong gut feeling, which requires no batteries and has a 100% chance of being ignored.

Metaphysical Technologies Example: "He spent $300 on a 'quantular' device that promised to communicate with interdimensional beings. After a week, all he'd received was static and a message that seemed to be asking for a Netflix password. The metaphysical technology was either broken or the interdimensional beings were just really bored."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Metasocial Technologies

The tools and platforms designed to analyze, manipulate, or optimize not just social interaction, but the analysis of social interaction itself. This includes sentiment analysis algorithms that track how people feel about how other people feel, social media dashboards that measure the engagement of posts about engagement metrics, and focus groups convened to discuss the results of other focus groups. It's technology that has eaten its own tail and is now trying to figure out what the tail tastes like.

Metasocial Technologies Example: "The marketing team used metasocial technologies to analyze the online discourse about their previous ad campaign, which was itself an analysis of consumer trends. They concluded that the public's perception of their brand's perception-management strategy was 'confused.' They then held a meeting to discuss the implications of this finding."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Metacognitive Technologies

The apps, journals, and mental tools designed to help you monitor and control your own thought processes, which usually just make you more anxious about how disorganized your thoughts are. This includes meditation apps that remind you to "observe your thoughts without judgment" (judging you when you forget), thought-journaling software that categorizes your cognitive distortions (proving you have way too many), and productivity timers that make you realize you've spent 45 minutes "planning to start." The most advanced metacognitive technology remains a sticky note on your monitor that says "FOCUS," which you will immediately stop seeing.

Metacognitive Technologies Example: "I tried a metacognitive technology that prompted me every hour to ask myself, 'What am I thinking right now?' The answers ranged from 'lunch' to 'why is this app asking me this?' to 'what is the meaning of existence?' I uninstalled it after it caught me thinking about uninstalling it."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Metalogical Technologies

The tools and systems designed to test, validate, or automate logical reasoning, ranging from ancient syllogism generators to modern AI "reasoning engines." These technologies promise to make your thinking more rigorous, but often just expose how sloppy your thinking really is. This includes debate flowcharts that end in loops, decision trees with too many branches, and "rationality apps" that ask you to assign Bayesian probabilities to your dating life. The most common metalogical technology is the "but actually" guy at a party, who functions as a primitive, flesh-based logic-checker that no one invited.

Metalogical Technologies *Example: "I used a metalogical technology app to decide whether to break up with my partner. I input all the variables, and it returned a 73.4% probability of long-term unhappiness. I showed her the results, and she said the app hadn't accounted for the variable of her being furious at me for using an app. The logic was sound, but the outcome was not."*

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Epistemological Technologies

The tools and methods we use to acquire, validate, and organize knowledge, ranging from the scientific method (pretty reliable) to Google search (convenient but chaotic) to asking a friend who "knows about this stuff" (epistemologically terrifying). These technologies shape what we believe and how confidently we believe it, for better or worse. The internet is the ultimate epistemological technology, giving us access to all human knowledge and also to all human nonsense, leaving us to figure out which is which on our own.

Epistemological Technologies Example: "He used the epistemological technology of 'fact-checking' to verify a claim his uncle made at dinner. The fact-checking site said it was false. His uncle said fact-checking sites were biased. He then had to fact-check the fact-checker, which led to a recursive loop of verification from which there was no escape. He now brings a casserole to dinner and says nothing."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Formal Technologies

The tools and systems designed to manipulate abstract symbols according to strict rules, enabling everything from simple arithmetic to complex computer programs. This includes calculators (slaves to the algorithm), programming languages (formal systems that are surprisingly forgiving of missing semicolons), and the humble spreadsheet, which has launched a thousand careers and caused a thousand nervous breakdowns when someone sorted the wrong column. Formal technologies give us power over abstraction, which we primarily use to make pretty charts about things that don't matter.

Example: "She used formal technologies to build a complex financial model that predicted market trends with 95% accuracy. Unfortunately, the model was based on historical data, and the market, not being a formal system, promptly did something unpredictable and made all her charts wrong. She blamed the model; the model blamed reality."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Psionic Technologies

The devices and systems designed to detect, amplify, or harness psionic energy, ranging from simple "orgone accumulators" (boxes full of metal shavings and resin) to complex "psionic amplifiers" that look like rejected props from a 1990s sci-fi show. These technologies promise to boost your mental powers, but their effectiveness is difficult to measure, as they tend to work best for people who already believe in them. The most advanced psionic technology remains the placebo effect, which is free, reliable, and requires no batteries.

Psionic Technologies Example: "He built a psionic technology device from plans found online—a copper pyramid with crystals at the corners, connected by wires to a headband. When he wore it, he felt a tingling sensation, which was either psionic energy or the headband being too tight. He chose to believe it was energy."

by Nammugal February 14, 2026