Sleep Philosophy

The branch of metaphysics that grapples with the existential terror of losing a third of your life to an activity that resembles death, yet is essential for functioning during the other two-thirds. It questions the nature of consciousness: if you are not aware of yourself for eight hours a day, are you still "you"? Is dreaming just your brain defragging its hard drive, or is it a window into a parallel reality where you're constantly unprepared for exams? Sleep philosophy doesn't have answers, but it does have a lot of late-night (ironically) questions.

Example: "Lying awake at 4 AM, staring at the ceiling, he engaged in some deep sleep philosophy. 'If I fall asleep now,' he thought, 'I'll get three hours of rest. But if I just stay awake, I'll be tired but will have gained three more hours of being alive. Which is the better use of my limited time on this earth?' He then watched three more hours of cat videos."

by Dumu The Void February 14, 2026

Dream Philosophy

The branch of metaphysics that questions whether your waking life is actually the "real" one, or just another layer of dreaming. It's the late-night, post-nightmare realization that if dreams can feel so real, what's to stop reality from being someone else's dream? Dream philosophy also grapples with the ethics of dream actions: if you commit a crime in a dream, are you guilty? (Legally, no. Existentially, you might want to examine that). It's the philosophy that makes you deeply suspicious of anything that makes too much sense.

Example: "After a dream where I had a long, detailed conversation with a floating lampshade about the meaning of life, I woke up and entered a deep state of dream philosophy. Was the lampshade wiser than me? Was I the lampshade? Why can't I remember where I put my keys? These are the questions that keep philosophers up at night—literally."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Astral Philosophy

The ultimate branch of metaphysical thought that asks: if you can leave your body, where exactly do you go? And more importantly, are you legally responsible for parking tickets your astral body might incur while you're sleeping? It grapples with the nature of self, consciousness, and reality, all while acknowledging that the primary evidence for the astral plane comes from people who were, technically, either asleep, high, or very, very relaxed. Astral philosophy is less a rigorous discipline and more a series of increasingly stoned-sounding questions.

Example: "Dude, what if, like, right now, we're not actually here? What if our physical bodies are just, like, the car, and our consciousness is the driver, and we're just, like, parked? But then, who's paying the metaphysical parking meter? That's astral philosophy, man. Pass the chips."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Spiritual Philosophy

The branch of thought that asks the really big, uncomfortable questions about the soul, the universe, and why your meditation app keeps trying to upsell you to a premium subscription. It grapples with the classic paradoxes: if we are all one, why do I still hate my neighbor's loud music? If thoughts become things, why am I still thinking about my ex? And if everything happens for a reason, what's the reason for wasps? Spiritual philosophy doesn't provide easy answers, but it does give you a sophisticated way to say "I don't know" while sounding wise.

Example: "Sitting on a mountaintop at sunset, he engaged in some deep spiritual philosophy. 'If the universe is within me,' he mused, 'then where does my parking ticket go? Do I have to pay myself? And if so, can I pay myself in good intentions?' He then realized he was hungry and went to find a taco truck."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Divine Philosophy

The ultimate branch of metaphysical inquiry that asks questions like: If God is all-powerful, can They create a burrito so hot that even They cannot eat it? It's the field that has spent millennia debating how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, and whether that dance constitutes a divine rave. Divine philosophy doesn't just ask about the existence of God; it asks about God's hobbies, God's favorite color, and whether God gets lonely. It's the art of asking questions to which the only honest answer is a shrug from the universe.

Example: "Stuck in traffic, he turned to divine philosophy. 'If God is everywhere,' he thought, 'is God also in this traffic jam? Is God as annoyed as I am? And if God is all-powerful, why doesn't God just create a divine HOV lane?' He then realized he'd been sitting through three green lights while philosophizing and got honked at."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Metaphysical Philosophy

The branch of thought that questions the very nature of existence, reality, and perception, often leading to a state of profound confusion best treated with a strong cup of tea. It asks: Is the world we perceive real, or is it a simulation? Are we individual souls, or one consciousness having a billion different arguments with itself? And if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, but a squirrel is there, does the squirrel's opinion count? Metaphysical philosophy doesn't provide answers, but it does give you a sophisticated way to say "I have no idea what's going on."

Example: "Staring at his own reflection in a dark window, he entered a state of deep metaphysical philosophy. 'If I am not my body, and I am not my thoughts, then who is the 'I' that is currently wondering if it's time for lunch?' He then decided that lunch was a question for another, less confusing self and ordered pizza."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Metasocial Philosophy

The branch of thought that questions the very foundations of social thought. It asks: Is society real, or is it just a concept we made up to feel less alone? Can we ever truly understand a social system, or are we just projecting our own biases onto it? And if all social interactions are performances, what happens when we perform the act of analyzing those performances? Metasocial philosophy is the art of overthinking social situations to the point where you can no longer participate in them, because you're too busy deconstructing the concept of participation.

Example: "After a three-hour conversation about the nature of conversation, he reached a state of pure metasocial philosophy. He realized that his entire identity was just a performance for an audience of one—himself—and that the self he was performing for was also a performance. He then decided to stop thinking and just go to the grocery store, where he had a perfectly normal, unanalyzed interaction with the cashier and felt profoundly relieved."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026