The Puma Crawl is a sexual move reserved for only the most skilled and experienced sexual deviants. At its core, the puma crawl is a rollicking throat-fucking, but to comprehend the true essence of the puma, please consider the following scenario:
After a long night of heavy drinking, you reemerge from blackout to find that the tasty strump you were rapping to at the bar is now lying prostrate below you. As you assume the missionary position and prepare to displeasure her for 2-3 minutes before you fall asleep, you realize your semi-chubber isn’t quite perky enough to lay pipe. Rather than fumbling around until you successfully bury your half erect tube-snake in her vergina, you propel yourself on all fours towards her face and dump your whisky-dick dangler into her gaping mouth and fuck amply. Congratulations my friend, you have just successfully completed the puma crawl.
While the above tale was carried out with all the expertise, savagery, and insatiable sexual will of an experienced puma crawler, please do not underestimate the difficulty of this move. Legend has it that Vatsyayana (author of the Karma Sutra) pulled a hamstring his first time attempting the puma. The key to the puma is timing. If, amidst the whirlwind of your blackout, you are too slow, you risk rejection by your female counterpart. Experience has taught us that no unsuspecting harlot wants to look up and find a hairy sack of meat and potatoes rumbling towards her face eager to fuck. The goal of all aspiring puma crawlers should be to time your approach so that just as your partner realizes what is happening and begins to scream “Noooo!” in protest, it is too late, you are upon her, and her mouth is now conveniently open for a throat mashing.
While style certainly varies based on personal preference, puma crawlers have found that a low and stalking approach works best. It is from this form that “The Puma” derives its name. Similarly, animalistic grunts pair nicely with this technique. Again, the Puma Crawl is a very difficult sexual move. The surgeon general recently issued a warning that before attempting the puma crawl, extensive stretching should be undertaken. Suggested warm-up exercises included, but were not limited to: Irish car bombs, tequila shots, grain alcohol shooters, and double digit beer bongs.
After a long night of heavy drinking, you reemerge from blackout to find that the tasty strump you were rapping to at the bar is now lying prostrate below you. As you assume the missionary position and prepare to displeasure her for 2-3 minutes before you fall asleep, you realize your semi-chubber isn’t quite perky enough to lay pipe. Rather than fumbling around until you successfully bury your half erect tube-snake in her vergina, you propel yourself on all fours towards her face and dump your whisky-dick dangler into her gaping mouth and fuck amply. Congratulations my friend, you have just successfully completed the puma crawl.
While the above tale was carried out with all the expertise, savagery, and insatiable sexual will of an experienced puma crawler, please do not underestimate the difficulty of this move. Legend has it that Vatsyayana (author of the Karma Sutra) pulled a hamstring his first time attempting the puma. The key to the puma is timing. If, amidst the whirlwind of your blackout, you are too slow, you risk rejection by your female counterpart. Experience has taught us that no unsuspecting harlot wants to look up and find a hairy sack of meat and potatoes rumbling towards her face eager to fuck. The goal of all aspiring puma crawlers should be to time your approach so that just as your partner realizes what is happening and begins to scream “Noooo!” in protest, it is too late, you are upon her, and her mouth is now conveniently open for a throat mashing.
While style certainly varies based on personal preference, puma crawlers have found that a low and stalking approach works best. It is from this form that “The Puma” derives its name. Similarly, animalistic grunts pair nicely with this technique. Again, the Puma Crawl is a very difficult sexual move. The surgeon general recently issued a warning that before attempting the puma crawl, extensive stretching should be undertaken. Suggested warm-up exercises included, but were not limited to: Irish car bombs, tequila shots, grain alcohol shooters, and double digit beer bongs.
Lisa: Ouuuch! What was that?
Brett (in a satisfied tone): "The Puma Crawl"
Lisa: Fuck that hurts! You got some in my eye!
Brett: (no response) (snoring)
Brett (in a satisfied tone): "The Puma Crawl"
Lisa: Fuck that hurts! You got some in my eye!
Brett: (no response) (snoring)
by B.C.S. March 31, 2007
Get the puma crawl mug.Essentially, a younger version of a cougar. Puma Prowlers are typically under-30 females who enjoy dating/hitting on/hooking up with younger (yet still over 18) males or females. A responsible Puma Prowler however will always ask for identification from any potential target who looks like they can be underage. Puma Prowlers tend to be successful and financially well-kempt twenty-somethings with "Sugar Mama" tendencies.
She's such a Puma Prowler, all her ex-boyfriends are still in college!, Let's go Puma Prowl at the Ducks game this weekend!, Last night Danielle was Puma Prowling at $1 PBR night
by The Portland Socialite October 1, 2012
Get the Puma Prowler mug.Related Words
puma
• puman
• Puma-ed
• pumacorn
• Pumares
• puma, panther....cougar
• Puma Bear
• puma crawl
• Puma-d (Pumard)
• puma eyes
Something that is supposed to happen, but never does. An insane amount of lying usually attempts to cover up the promise, but the lies get so ridiculous, it becomes insulting. Being Puma-ed usually results in massive frustration.
I was supposed to get a brand new BMW for $600, but the car dealer was John F Kennedy and he was assasinated like 20 years ago. I think I got Puma-ed.
by baby jesus January 6, 2003
Get the Puma-ed mug.Puma Style was originally developed at East Carolina University in Greenville, NC. The phrase was coined to clear up confusion to if Doggy Style was referring to anal or vaginal intercourse. Puma Style is a term to describe the act of vaginal intercourse from behind. This action was originally seen in the wild, where the endangered black puma mated with its partner to assert its dominance.
Dude: "Damn yo, this girl at the NCC wanted to go rain forest on me!"
Bro: "You got her to go Puma Style?"
Dude: "Hell ya!!"
Bro: "You got her to go Puma Style?"
Dude: "Hell ya!!"
by Burt Jones March 2, 2011
Get the Puma Style mug.by baby buster December 4, 2011
Get the puma eyes mug.similar to a cougar hunter, except its a younger man attracted to and pursuing a mid-30s woman who is older than him.
by Miss Puma February 23, 2017
Get the puma poacher mug.Puma said he was gonna take me to meet Chuck Norris, but all I ended up meeting was Lou Norris, Chucks third cousin. Dude, you got Puma-ed!!!
by Beefstick January 6, 2003
Get the Puma-ed mug.