the act of inserting one's own hand deep inside their asshole, sitting down on it until the whole hand becomes numb and then using said hand to masturbate to completion with.
Hey Chris, was it weird when I gave myself that chocolate stranger last night in the living room while you and your girlfriend were watching Grey's Anatomy?
A rare hereditary condition that unfortunately has no cure. It affects the ability of the sufferer to move around quickly and wear tighty whities. It is also known to instigate "peeking" among other males while using public urinals. Consequently if you are infected with Longdongtinitus, most of your sexual partners might need to be taken to the emergency room after penetration.
Dirk - "Just got back from the Pediatric Gynecologist today and I have some bad news, I've been diagnosed with Longdongtinitus"
Dumb Slut - "Oh nooooo, what are you going to do?"
Dirk - "Just drink this ruffie colada and I'll show you"
The thing I fear most in this world. Its a creature similar in appearance to a gremlin. Its only reason for living is to gobble cocks. It likes to hide in the shadows and strike out at it's victims crotches with its sharp talons. Its insatiable in it's appetite and even wears a "tool belt" where it stores extra detached man meat. Candyman rules apply, meaning the Cock Gobbler can actually be summoned by saying its name three times in a row.
My friend Hoppy thought it would be funny to test out the urban legend of the Cock Gobbler. Now the only ones laughing are the ladies when they see he doesn't have a penis.
Go to the mall and find the hottest looking mannequin. Hide until the mall closes and then derobe and return to your plastic lady. Proceed to use your own hand to maneuver the mannequin's hand to jerk off with. Even though its easier, never detach the hand because the hope is that mid-rudder, the mannequin will come to life (i.e. Kim Cattrall in Mannequin) and you'll have a sex slave for life. No one likes a one-armed gimp.
Girl - "I can't wait to see what happens with Carrie and Big during the new Sex and the City movie"
Guy - "That reminds me, we have to stop by the Macy's on the way home. I need a tie that matches my new suit plus I will be able to get a Mannequin Rudder and achieve a level of satisfaction your prude ass could never give"
A popular method of dating most successful in urban environments since even attractive people are more likely to walk to get around. Simply go trollin' through the streets in your Prius and use a tranquilizer dart/chloroform on your unsuspecting new friend. Then so not as to arouse suspicion, you place them unconscious into your trunk for the scenic ride home. After you have arrived, immediately transport them to the cage you keep in your basement and voila, trunk n' cage!
I love living in California. The weather is beautiful, the governor was in Jingle All the Way, the earthquakes feel good on my downstairs mix-up and of course there is an abundance of celebrities jogging around to trunk n' cage.