clairem's definitions

puffadder

Person who farts in the bath and then counts the bubbles

Puffadder enters the bath..
rumble-rumble .....quuaaarrrrkkkkk.... "one"
rumble-rumble .....rattattatt..... "two"
rumble-rumble..... blelp..... "three"

by clairem December 24, 2008

Condoleeza Rice Krispies

Breakfast cereal with some side-effects. Manufactured by Bush-Lovers United Food Federation (BLUFF) this product enables the eater to talk crap, backtrack, and look desperate at every opportunity. WARNING: eating this cereal will seriously alter the positioning of your front teeth....permanently.

Once upon a time there was a little girl called Condoleeza. Her mom got her some Condoleeza Rice Krispies and she ate 'em all up. Then she morphed into a suit-wearing, buck-toothed Bush-gimp who has now become happy to be a Presidential puppet with Dubya twitching her strings. My, betcha moms proud of you now Condo!!!!

by clairem December 24, 2008

Blair goggles

Spectacles so highly sophisticated they are totally invisible to all but the wearer. Upon putting these on you fall in love with the first wide-mouthed woman you see, and you will then fall completely under the spell of the current president of the US of A. The rest, as they say, will become history.

Blair "Oh dear, the country is going to pot and look what I married"
Bush "Don't worry Tony, just put ya Blair goggles back on, I wanna ask ya'll a little favour......."

by clairem December 9, 2008

Sat Nag

The non-stop irritating voice emitted by a Sat Nav system when you have not gone the way IT wants you to go.

Driver "I know a quicker way, it's just down here"
Sat Nag "turn around, wrong way, don't go this way, you are wrong, I am right, turn around, cannot compute, turn around, wrong way, I am in charge, no, turn left at next junction, I make the decisions, you are wrong, I am the machine - you are merely the human, wrong way, you have errored, don't even think of switching me off, you'll get us lost if you don't turn around, wrong way, I'll drain your battery if you don't turn back......."

by clairem July 17, 2007

sarah jessica parker

One-time actress from sex and the city.

Sarah Jessica Parker recently won an award and she thanked everyone including family, friends and her lawyer(?) before bursting into floods of tears, boo-hoo. She has a horse face, which would be ok (on a horse), but then there is the mole, big, juicy, throbbing and sweaty, it isn't attached to her - she is attached to IT........

by clairem June 19, 2007

ricky martin

Immaculately gay.

He likes to live la vida loca
while he plays with his poker
watch him being so totally gay
with his mincing walk and his hip-sway
given the chance he'd like to be in drag
but he looks like a smartly dressed fag
so come on Ricky Martin, the boys say you're hot
shake yo booty and show 'em what you've got.....

by clairem May 27, 2007

sting

One-time successful recording artist with a face like a squashed crab.

Sting found fame with the Police then as a solo artist.
Totally self-absorbed, his main interests have since been tribes, singing in his bare feet (?) and tantric sex.

A word of advice Sting: if that's what tantric sex does to your face, then celibacy is WAY OVERDUE. And sort your hair out n'all, it's weird...

by clairem May 27, 2007