Mr. Cardboard's definitions

football

The gayest sport in all the world, even gayer than men's synchronised fisting in pink leotards to "Small Town Boy" by Bronski Beat.

An excuse to watch men in shorts lock legs with other men in shorts while they try to shoot white balls into your gaping orifice while your team mate tries in vain to prevent said hole from being violated.

So gay that supporters of football "teams" hold regular pride parades resulting in "who's the gayest" skirmishes to see who can be the first in prison to get bum raped.

"Hey man do you like football?"

"No I prefer tits to balls."

by Mr. Cardboard November 6, 2011

Jacksons

Testicles.

From rhyming slang: Jackson Pollocks, bollocks.

My girlfriend only lets me teabag her if I've shaved my Jacksons.

by Mr. Cardboard July 5, 2012

sex keyboard

A woman who maks highly questionable noises during sex, such that it sounds as if you are just pressing the sound effect buttons on a keyboard rather than pleasuring her.

*ooh-ooh-aah-aah*
*woof woof*
*ding dong*
*squelch*
*mmmmooooooo*
*beep-beep*
*dropped cutlery*
*police siren*
*tearing paper*
*helicopter*
*meow*
*baby laugh*
etc.

Dude 1: Do you think she's faking?

Dude 2: Nah, she's just a sex keyboard

by Mr. Cardboard November 8, 2011

Virgin Megastore

An all-girls highschool.

Dude 1: Are you coming to the canteen at lunch?

Dude 2: No I need to nip to the Virgin Megastore.

by Mr. Cardboard November 6, 2011

marmalade

The natural lubricant of the anus, designed to enable shit to slide out more easily but which also facilitates the insertion of golf balls.

"I was holding in a shit all last period but it turned out to just be a huge fart, however I wiped anyway in case some marmalade had come out."

by Mr. Cardboard November 7, 2011

facefuck

To comment on someone's facebook status or post and engage them in conversation, then delete all your comments so it looks like they have been talking to themself.

Victim: I know, they rock!
Victim: Absolutely! Last year, and twice the year before.
Victim: Yeah she's great. I can't wait.
Victim: Aww I got facefucked...

by Mr. Cardboard November 6, 2011

schlongs in thongs

An amusing way to refer to male transvestites and pre-op transexuals, in the same vein as other rhyming or alliterative means of alleviating the ridiculousness of encountering men who are so psychologically damaged that they believe they are actually women trapped in men's bodies, because no-one has bothered to explain to them that they have X and Y chromosomes whereas women have only X chromosomes, and that their assertion that they are female is therefore medically and scientifically impossible.

See also:
chicks with dicks, cocks in frocks, sluts with nuts, dames with dongs, women with wangs, girls with grapes, princesses with penises, mums with plums, lads in lingerie, gals with balls, boys with boobs

I have an annual subscription to Schlongs in Thongs.

by Mr. Cardboard October 30, 2011