”The moon is bright tonight”, said the wise mushroom to the unperturbed cripple, “I have been away from my family for too long now and I must return and seek my vengeance, be it with a mallet, or twenty-three Ikea catalogues.”
This legendary tale started in the year of 1720b.c and Mustafa the mushroom (agricultures self named ‘ard man) and Cuthbert the cripple (disabled peoples self named ‘tuna sandwich) had a plan. They would rob Audley Harrison, the local greengrocer and give the peach coloured doubloons to the “help the aged mushroom charity”. This would help fund day trips for the elderly fungi and encourage them to participate more in events in the local community.
Cuthbert and Mustafa were dressed in black (the favourite colour of thieves’, vagabonds and of course the odd ninja) unfortunately for them it was during the day therefore they’re clothing colour didn’t really matter.
Mustafa tried the cat flap, it was open ‘suspicious’ he thought, ‘the greengrocer doesn’t own a cat.’. The two amigos crept inside, making as little noise as possible and sticking to the shadows. Eventually they reached the forbidden fruit (the till) only to be greeted by…
”No money”, screamed Cuthbert, “what a waste of time/effort that was, I’ve just missed the bingo”
They snuck outside into the dimly lit street. All of a sudden four armoured tricycles pulled up by the kerb and surrounded the two mushrooms, they were trapped like a farmer in a dinosaur, and they did not know what by…
The two friends could not remember one thing more about that fateful night and could only recall waking up in the forest surrounded by packs of bacon and ‘trade’ size tubs of nutella sandwich spread.
We join them at this point…
”The moon is bright tonight”, said the wise mushroom to the cripple, “I have been away from my family for too long now and I must return and seek my vengeance…, be it with a mallet, or twenty-three Ikea catalogues.”
The gruesome twosome decided to head north, not knowing which way was north due to them not having a compass, they headed left. They did not know where it would lead them but they both agreed that anywhere would be better than this bacon and nutella infested dumping ground deep inside the gloomy forest. Little did they know there was a road running parallel to the woodland on the right hand side.
They travelled four days and four nights before finally finding a cave in which to rest without disturbance. They lay down ready for a good nights sleep.
”Argh”, the noise bellowing from within the cave was shrill and unearthly. Mustafa awoke with a start, and realised the noise was not coming from his mouth. Meanwhile Cuthbert had awoken and realised the noise was coming from his mouth. Not only was the noise coming from the cripple, but he had no arms.
“Where have your arms gone Cuthbert”, enquired the perplexed mushroom.
“I do not know one minute they were there then I woke up this morning and they had disappeared”, replied the distraught cripple.
”Ah that will have been the mysterious arm stealing cave dwelling baguette shaped pencil case that many refer to as John”. The cripple was impressed at the mushrooms wisdom and soon forgot about his lack of arms. The two headed off and vowed never to set foot in a cave again.
“MUUUUURGH”, the noise startled the cripple but the wise mushroom proclaimed “it’s just a foghorn, it won’t bite, and we must be near water”. And indeed they were, the two comrades had travelled from the murky depths of the woods and had now arrived at the port.
There was something suspicious about his port, it was not instantly recognisable but after seven point four (7.4) minutes of intense debate the two terriers agreed that there was in fact no water for miles around.
“So how are the boats there”, asked the cripple in complete and utter confusion.
“I do not know”, replied the mushroom, “why don’t we go up to a boat and ask him.”
So the two walked over to an ocean liner and asked it “how can you be here if there is no water for miles around.”
”I do not know” replied the ocean liner.”
Utterly satisfied with their answer the two musketeers grabbed the nearest pigs and rode off into the sun…
”AAAAAAAH, I didn’t know it would be so hot up here”. For once the cripple had shown himself to be wiser than the mushroom as he had packed his sun proof flairs. Luckily for Mustafa he had spare pair that were just the right size for the now toasted mushroom.
They stayed on the moon for a couple of hours, visiting the various souvenir shops, theme parks, and fast food joints before returning home…
”I wish these pigs had brakes”, Mustafa proclaimed, but the cripple was nowhere to be seen. We can only assume he had not landed.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Out of nowhere came John Bon Jovi who ate Mustafa in one swallow.
SO remember if you are ever in space look out for a cripple and the next time you see John Bon Jovi remember what he done to our hero.
Till death do us part…?
By Martin Gannon
My essay: eat it and weep.