Monkey's Dad's definitions

Apptitude

The reflexive belief that "there is an app for everything", eclipsing the experience of simply being alive in the world.

They were in the woods on a sunny spring day. He was looking at the light streaming through the branches. She, having apptitude, was staring at her phone.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I want to know where we are" she answered.

"We are here" he sighed.

by Monkey's Dad April 28, 2021

Virussian Roulette

Flirting with death by going shopping during coronaviral stay-at-home orders.

There was a strong chance of catching the virus, going out was playing Virussian Roulette, but she had stopped caring.

by Monkey's Dad April 13, 2020

Bronchiasaurus

The apparent weight on the lungs of a COVID-19 sufferer.

With no ventilator available, straining for breath, it felt as if he had a Bronchiasaurus on his chest.

by Monkey's Dad March 25, 2020

minimal

Any mammal which has been shrunken by careful breeding, for maximum cuteness and portability.

"Why is that Guinea Pig on a leash?" she wondered, before coming close enough to see that it was a full-grown, two-pound minimal, the smallest dog she had ever seen. She had to have one.

by Monkey's Dad March 16, 2020

Urban Legend

In the near future, a fantastical story told by parents to children of what the word 'city' meant.

They sat at six-foot intervals to hear their favorite Urban Legend. They knew it was not real, yet it entertained them to imagine people walking the streets, crowding together to eat and drink and listen to music, where 'school' was a building kids went to, together.

by Monkey's Dad March 23, 2020

deranged loser

An expression of the utmost dignity and grace, not to be mistaken for projection when used to characterize a perceived enemy.

“I don’t know what Kellyanne did to her deranged loser of a husband,” the president tweeted, “but it must have been really bad.”

by Monkey's Dad July 12, 2020

longing distance

The space, literal and emotional, between yourself and another person, hoping for their safety and well-being, wishing you could be together when you are inescapably separated during the pandemic.

Unable to help in any way, hoping each day that she would remain well, wishing he could simply be where she was, the longing distance was at times unbearable.

by Monkey's Dad April 4, 2020