As
long as you bring a Swiss
Army Knife with you at all times, you'd need not fear of any man, creature, extra terrestrial being, or God himself. For as soon as you unsheathe your ultra-handy multi-tool, any stranger will instantly kneel down in respect for the man you are and beg you to spare them the shame of not owning such a holy grail of a tool. The men will deliberately force their penises to be as flaccid as humanly or inhumanly possible so your scrotum will be the largest in the next 10,000 miles, even if that means their genitalia must completely wipe itself from the nearest 80 universes. The women become so aroused they leave their significant others just to serve you and write shitty sexual Twilight Saga
fanfiction using your name and image as a protagonist in hopes that you will open your eyes to them. But alas, you are so manly, so alpha, that
even just the slight catch of your stare will put any unprepared woman into cardiac arrest. All the children in your field of view instantly walk away from their
parents and force themselves as your child in hopes that they too will be able to be as righteous, masculine, intelligent, and
awesome as you someday. The
parents won't even bat an eye, because they know you will raise them to overcome this world of disappointing fast food and soy boys better than they could ever dream...
You aren't a true
alpha male until you get one of these bad boys.
"You know, I originally bought this Swiss
Army Knife to shave off my neckbeard a little, since katanas are too big for the job. I figured it would help me attract some e-Girls, but... I... I never thought- *snort* I never thought a (multi)blade like this would have so much power! I have all the women I could have ever asked for, an
army of children wishing to be just like me, and men wishing they could spend just seconds with me, to just be in the presence, and have just a slight, minuscule grasp of being near to a true alpha. As soon as I showed mom this tool of mass-fortune, she instantly remarried
dad, let me move back upstairs out of the basement after about 20 years, and gave me her and
dad's life savings for vbucks. In fact, I'm so alpha, I was elected to be president of the U.S.A for the next 50 years by congress. Life is good." - Former neckbeard
soy boy, now
badass alpha male and officially announced best President of the U.S.A. to ever exist by every media outlet ever, all thanks to the power of a Swiss Army Knife.
